dancing through the maze

I've been blog silent for quite some time.  I couldn't really put my feelings down.  There was just too much.  But I figured with our Thai adventure coming soon it was time to get moving on the blog front again so all you people can follow along as we go for this crazy ride God has for us.  I hope to do a couple posts over the next few weeks to tell you how all this came about and the things I'm learning along the way. I figure a good place to start would be the following post that never got published.  I wrote it at the beginning of this year (it seems like forever ago) and couldn't publish it because all the feelings were still too raw to put out there. 

I feel the story of how we got to this point is kind of like a Disney movie.  They all seem start with the quick build up to a sad event that begins a wonderful heart-warming story.  Hopefully we'll get to the heart-warming part soon but you have to begin somewhere and this is where it began for me....

 Broken

Have you ever been broken?  Not just really sad, or feeling a little defeated or overwhelmed, but truly broken?  I thought I had before...until now.  The last few months have brought a lot of new, a lot of change, and a lot of pairing away to the very basics.  It has not been a fun process.

Let me start with a recap for those that don't know me well.  In October of last year we found out that my husband would be losing his job at the church we were serving in.  It was sudden,  it was shocking, and it felt like the rug had been completely pulled out from under us.  You see we had the life I wanted.  We loved our church.  We loved the location.  We loved the activities we had the kids in and we loved their coaches.  We loved our house that we were renting and had planed to buy it in the spring...we had already negotiated the price.  We loved our dog.  We loved life.  And then it was all ripped away.  You see we were living paycheck-to-paycheck.  So when Adam lost his job it not only meant losing our church, but it meant losing our house.  It meant moving in with my in-laws 2.5 hours away so we lost the location, and in losing the location it meant losing the kids' activities and their coaches.  It meant shipping our dog away to live with my parents.  It meant everything either changed or was stripped away.  All my things were put in storage and I no longer have my own kitchen to cook in or my own decorations on the wall, or all the things that I had surrounded myself with.  It has been a breaking time for me.

So what do you do when all things have been stripped away and you are left broken?  Well, to be honest you cry a lot.  And by a lot I mean A LOT!!!!  And after you're done crying... you cry some more.  And after all the crying, or maybe somewhere in the middle of it you realize the reason for the crying has changed.  In the middle of mourning all the things that have been stripped away you realize what you still have.  In my case, I have my husband, who is a man of God and loves me.  I have my children, who, even though they frustrate me at times, are a joy and blessing to me.  I have my parents, my sister, and my in-laws who are holding us up in more ways than one.  I have friends both old and new that have listened, prayed, advised, helped, and supported us. And I have God. I have a heavenly Father that I can trust to work all things for my good.  And for that I am grateful to the point of even more tears.

Sometimes we get so bogged down looking for the things that aren't there, we don't see the things that are.  Sometimes we get so busy grieving for what's lost that we forget to celebrate what's here now.  Sometimes we look so intently on the past and on the obstacles of now that we forget our future. Sometimes we forget that God sees the big picture and we only see one small part. 

****"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."***  Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

Ever have a clogged drain...maybe not completely clogged, but one that the water runs so slowly down that all the icky stuff gets left on the sides of the sink? I think that was me.

The last 8 months or so have been...we’ll go with challenging. I’ve faced things that I never thought I would face. I’ve had to be someone I never thought I would be. I’ve had to manage situations and emotions I never thought I would have to manage. I know I’m speaking in code. I’ll go into all the details at a later date. Point being, I sucked it up and prayerfully dealt with the blows life was landing on me. I sucked it up to the point of being a yucky clogged drain. The water and the Spirit still moved through me but at such a sluggish pace that I ended up with all the nasty stuff clinging to me. It was not a fun place to be.

So last week Adam and I went to a conference. Not just any conference, but re:create, the conference for creative people that invests in the people not just their craft. It is the best conference EVER (if you’re like me). I started the conference like a sluggish drain after a long night. The water had made its way down but all the ickies remained stuck to the sides. Then it happened: spiritual draino. Through the music, the worship, the people, and the spirit of God in that place my drain got dramatically unclogged. Water in the form of tears flowed and washed away all the yuck of life that had been sticking to me. It would say it was a time of refreshing but that isn’t right. Refreshing is tubing slowly down a river. I was washed away in the current of a broken dam and I relished it. I needed every moment of not being in control of my emotions, of my schedule, of my life.

It was in the beauty of not being in control that I realized this is what life is supposed to look like. Not in the sense that I let someone else dictate how I spend my time every day, but that I let go of my need to be in control, and let God do it. I need to stop waiting until the drain is clogged and gunk is sticking to me to let go of what I can’t do anything about anyway. I need to not only take the time to rest in my Father’s arms (because I had done that) I need to leave my burden at his feet when I leave and not pick it up again. I need to not let my drain get bogged down with all the craziness of life. I need to let the refreshing happen constantly so maybe I won’t need the broken dam.

It took 4 days of crying to flush my system of all the gunk. 4 days worth of stuff I had held on to. 4 days worth mess I had to let go of. I am so grateful for that 4 days. I’m grateful for the broken dam and the unclogged drain. I’m grateful to feel alive in God again, instead of spiritually sluggish. I'm grateful for a renewed fullness of life and the freedom flow again...

So... it has been a while since I have posted anything. I guess life got in the way for a while. But I think it is time I started sharing my thoughts again, whether or not anyone reads them. Writing is cathartic for me. It makes me put my rambling thoughts in logical order. It helps me hear God's voice and understand His words...so here we go again.

On that day, when evening came, He said to them, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd, they took Him along with them in the boat, just as He was; and other boats were with Him. And there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Hush, be still.” And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” --Mark 4: 35-40 NASV

This is a very familiar story to those of us who have been in church for a while. If you grew up like I did you learned it in the King James, "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still." I remember being in Sunday school hearing this story and thinking about how cool Jesus was that He could tell a storm to chill out and it would. I remember hearing sermons on this story and how Jesus can speak peace to any storm. I also remember the song "Peacespeaker" I wonder how many of you can sing it with me..."I know the Peacespeaker, I know Him by my name. I know the Peacespeaker, He controls the winds and waves. When He says 'peace, be still', they have in obey I´m glad I know the Peacespeaker, yes I know Him by name."

The funny thing is I've heard this story almost all of my life, but I think I've missunderstood the point. Jesus said, "Peace I give to you, My peace I leave with you" (John 14:27a NASV emphasis added). I wonder what His peace is? I wonder if it is the ability to calm the waves and wind, or is it the ability to sleep through the storm?

I think a lot of time we want to use Jesus as our "get out of storm free" card. We want the "Peacespeaker" to calm the storm. We want an easy out. But I don't think that was what He meant. He calmed the storm for those around him, but HIS peace had Him sleeping, resting, and unworried about the storm around him. I think that is the kind of peace He left with us.

The last 4 years have brought a lot of storms and challenges to my family. There are many times I was praying "Just get me out of this!!! Come on, 'Peace, be still' already!" I don't think that is necessarily the wrong thing to pray. I just think we have to be ready to receive His peace through the storm instead of only expecting Him to get us out of the storm. Food for thought. :)

Right now, I am angry. Maybe angry is not the word. MAD!!! That's it!! I am good old-fashioned, southern-style SPITTIN' MAD!!! I am so mad I have heartburn. There is a situation that I have been following in the news. In a town near me an eighth grade science class got into an intense discussion about evolution verses creation. There were a few brave students who were willing to stand up and talk about what they believe in. I don't know their names but I am so proud of them. Well, these or this (I honestly don't know) student(s) decided to anonymously leave a bible on this teachers desk as a Christmas present. Again, I am very proud. This is where the story goes a little crazy. The teacher then proceeds to go on Facebook and call this action “a hate-crime” and say that this “crime would not go unpunished.”

There are a few points I want to make before I continue the story:

1. When did it become a “crime” in America to share your faith? Well, so far it hasn't, but this incident is a very shaky step in that direction. I can see very clearly how easy it would be for this teacher and others like to her start lobbying congress. In Ted Dekker's book Sinner, he creates a not too distant future where congress has passed a “Tolerance Act” saying that you can believe anything you want, but sharing your beliefs with someone who doesn't believe them is not tolerant and therefore a hate-crime. I know it is fiction, but we are close, and could get there so easily.
2. At some point people who believe in creation or “intelligent design” (as the scientific community is calling it now) need to stand up and demand that schools start recognizing it as a valid theory. You see, that's all evolution is, a theory. It has NEVER been proven. It has become the accepted theory on life, but it is not the only theory with scientific proof. Did you know there are many top scientists that believe in intelligent design, and many of these are not Christians. They just see things on the cellular level that are too complex to believe any kind of coincidence lead to them. Honestly if you study evolution, it takes a lot more faith to believe in the outrageous coincidences they say lead to life than to believe someone created it.

Now for the rest of the story. When kids, then parents, and finally the school board saw these comments the decided to suspend the teacher. . . with pay. Now let me get this straight she threatens a student (“This crime will not go unpunished”), and she gets a paid vacation. Yeah, that sounds about right. AREYOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! Well, I got a hold of myself after that. I understand that there had to be a investigation, and she was innocent until proven guilty of any wrong-doing. It would be unfair to her if it turned out she did nothing wrong and had to lose 3 months pay. I talked myself down from that one.

Then I watched the news this morning. I promise I'm trying to stay calm. The school board decided to remove her from the classroom and make her district coordinator for middle-school science instruction. That sounds nice doesn't it? She was removed from the classroom. . . and PROMOTED!!!! My husband didn't catch it the first time. We had to rewind it for him to hear it. He heard the “removed” part, but didn't catch the fact the she was moved from a local position to a district position.. She is now not just over the science education of eight grade students of one school but all middle-schoolers in the county! Her resume is going to read for x amount of years I was an eight grade science teacher then I was District Coordinator for Middle-School Science Instruction. Yep, that is definitely a promotion. SHE GOT A PAID VACATION AND A PROMOTION FOR THREATING A STUDENT! Can you scream it with me? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!

Isn't it a relief to know that not only do our kids have to stand up and face ridicule for their religious and scientifically plausible beliefs, but that the people who ridicule them will be promoted? (I'm sure you get the sarcasm dripping from this remark.) Our beliefs about evolution and creation/intelligent design aside, this was wrong. No teacher should be promoted for ridiculing and threatening a child. No matter the subject behind it this should never happen!

I was in church a couple weeks ago listening to a guest speaker as he was reading his passage out of The Message (a bible paraphrase). I'm not normally a Message fan, it just doesn't usually resonate with me, but then he read these words. . .

“We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in ?Him and finds its purpose in Him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, He organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body. He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—He is supreme in the end. From beginning to end He's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is He, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in Him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of His death, His blood that poured down from the cross.” -Colossians 1:15-20

I have to tell you the imagery took me for a ride. I'm not real sure what else he said because I meditated on these words. I'll share with you what stuck in my head. “all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies.” This phrase has carried me on a journey since that morning.

To put things in the proper perspective let me tell you a story. I was in eighth grade and part of my jr. high's choral group. I loved singing and this was without a doubt my favorite class. The thing about choral groups is in many cases you never really get the hear what the whole group sounds like together. The sopranos stand with the sopranos and sing their part, as do the altos and tenors. You are surrounded by those doing what you do so you never get hear all the parts together in harmony. In the spring of that year we went to an amusement park for a regional competition. We did well and ended up getting the highest mark you could receive: a superior. We were all excited, and jumped and shouted like a group of 7th-9th graders should. Then it was time to go home and this is the part I will never forget. Our director let us each take turns listening to the performance, and when I heard it I was amazed. I never realized we sounded like that. The harmonies were spot on and in perfect balance and the songs were done so well that I couldn't believe it was us. I couldn't believe my small insecure voice had a part in anything so complete, so beautiful.

And that brings me back to these verses. So many times I feel like what I do is small and insignificant. And to be honest, most of the time I don't feel qualified for even those small insignificant tasks God has for me. A friend told me the other day, “Sometimes I wonder why in the world He has laid things on my heart to do, when I know there are better people to handle them than me. I do not get it at all. . . Other people would not have the distractions I have, and would get things done better.” So I know that I am not the only one. The thing is, if I wasn't there for that competition, the soprano part wouldn't have been as strong, and the harmonies wouldn't have been in such perfect balance. Yes, there were much better singers than me in the group, but what mattered was how the group sounded as a whole. Sometimes I do feel “broken and dislocated” but God has fixed me the this spot and fit me for it and it for me. I don't have to know the whys and what fors, I just have to look forward to the time when I can hear the complete harmony and know I played a part in some vibrantly beautiful.

Being a parent terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I want so much for them. I want them to grow to be more than Adam and I ever dreamed to be. They have that potential. I see it everyday, how great they could be. There is just one major hitch in the giddy-up. That would be the fact that I am their mother.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see myself for what I truly am. A big fat mess. I look at my life and the mistakes I have made. I look at the things I've struggled with, still struggle with and I think, “I am going to screw these kids up!” I mean, how do I make them to say no to temptations that I didn't say no to? How do I teach them to make the smart decisions that I didn't make? How do I guard them without suffocating them? How do I make them strong enough that they influence their world and not the other way around? How do I teach them the life-tools they need when I am still learning them myself?

The fact of the matter is: I have no earthly clue what I'm doing. I think we all feel that way. We must, because there certainly are enough parenting books and seminars out there. I do feel a little more confident with my youngest. At least I have had a child before so I have worked out some of the kinks. My poor son is just an experiment. I hope he doesn't feel that way, but I do. But whatever confidence I had in myself has been shaken, recently. A very good kid I know made an extremely poor choice and is now facing some pretty drastic consequences. I don't want that for my kids. But what makes the difference? This was a great kid who has been taught well, how am I supposed to equip my kids any better? The truth is I don't know if I can. There. I said it. The question is: what does that leave me with?

The simple answer is trust. Trust in God that He will keep my children. That He will speak wisdom and perseverance to their hearts in times of trials and temptation. Trust in myself, that one is a doozie. I must learn to trust myself to make good parenting choices, and when I don't know what to do, trust God that much more that He will guide me. And finally, trust my kids. I have to trust them to make the right choices. And then if they don't, I have to trust God (again) to get us through the tough times, and to use everything for our good.

It sure seems like trusting God is the major point. If I trust Him in all of this, then everything will be just fine. . . sigh.


***I would like to recommend a book to all my mom friends out there. Praying the Scriptures For Your Children by Jodi Berndt is my favorite parenting book. It is full of the ways you can pray for your kids, many stories of how prayer really works, and at the end of every chapter there are bible verses you pray with blanks for you to plug in your kids' names. I have even used these to pray for myself and others as well as having the kids pray for themselves. It is a truly great resource!

Most of the time I blame my son's behavior on my husband. I've said many times that Judah is just another Adam. He does things that confuse me, and don't make sense to me, and just plain aggravate the mess out of me. And that is ALL Adam's genes coming through. People often say that the child that is more like you is more of a challenge. Well, I have disagreed with that for a while now. I have said that because Mercy is more like me, I understand her and know what to do with her. Judah is just this unknown entity to me. Well, the other day Judah was doing something that was really driving me up the wall and it hit me. I used to do that. It wasn't exactly the same, it came across in a more masculine form, but it was the same thing. This was my fault. This was my genetic material shining through and driving me crazy. I began to look at things a little differently then. I began to ask myself questions like, when I was a kid what would have helped me in this situation, and guess what? It helps him. I was staggered. I had been so busy blaming my husband for certain things about my son, that I couldn't see myself in it. That got me wondering. . . where else am I blaming others for my faults?

When I lose my temper, I might say, “well, (s)he made me mad!) The reality is no matter what they did it isn't their fault I can't control myself.

When I call a guy a name when he just cut me off in traffic, I say, “its their fault! They are driving like a maniac!” When the truth is my tongue and what comes out of my mouth are my business.

When I blame Adam and the kids for not keeping the house orderly, I never take the time too see my things laying around as well. Maybe I need to set a better example.

When I blame others for taking advantage of me, maybe I need to stop allowing them to do it.

When I blame others for not seeing my side of things maybe I need to take a minute to see theirs.

When I blame other for my problems maybe I need to take an honest look in the mirror and re-evaluate.

We are all so fast to blame everyone else for everything we don't like. It is very rare that any of us takes the time to really look at a situation and see our own fault in it. We don't want to accept how much of what goes wrong can be traced right back to ourselves. The thing is when we truly see where the problem is we can really begin to work on a solution. If I hadn't taken the time to see my faults in my son I never would have found a way to help him deal with it. If I had continued to play the blame game it would have been my son who suffered the consequences not me or my husband. I wonder how many people suffer because we blame everyone else but ourselves. Food for thought. . .

So my husband had the talk with my eight-year-old. Well, not THAT talk, the Santa talk. I really didn't want this to happen. He is my baby and I wasn't ready for it. I can't think of a bigger sign that childhood is passing than no longer believing in Santa. It made me so sad, but we had to make a decision concerning him. Knowing his disposition we knew that one of us needed to be the one to tell him. He is exactly the kind of kid that would either get in a fight defending Santa and cry for days if he found out in an uncontrolled way. The other problem was the whole, nothing is impossible for Santa but some things are impossible for mom and dad's bank account, thing. So I finally gave in and let Adam have the talk with Judah. I was expecting tears and hysterics, but boy was I wrong. The end of the conversation went something like this:

Judah: So you bought me my DS?
Adam: Yeah. You ok with that?
Judah: You and mom took money out of your bank account to buy me things so I would believe in Santa. Yeah, I think I'm ok with that.

And that was it. What surprised me so much was not just the lack of drama, sadness and disappointment, but the sense of gratitude that came across in his words. The “you did that for me?” attitude that he had, amazed me. And I was grateful for the gift my son is to me.

In the days since then I have been thinking a lot about believing in illusions. In today's busy world it is easy to do that. We use credit cards to over spend, pretending we have money we don't. We work our job and rely on our talents and abilities to keep those jobs and provide for our families. We count on friends and loved ones to provide us support and advice in difficult times and in simple decisions. Self-sufficiency becomes our Santa. We believe whole-heartedly in that illusion, and trust that it will not disappoint.

I think maybe it is time for us, as Christians, to grow up a little. We need to truly realize the source of our blessings. The Bible says that God is our provider, that He will supply our needs (Phil. 4:19), and that every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James 1:17). Everything I have and every moment I live is a direct result of God and His goodness to me. How can we think of Jesus in the fullness of everything He did and not say, “Wow! You did that for me?”

What strikes me is, Judah didn't say “thank you” to us, but just him acknowledging where the gifts came from made me feel like he was grateful. So let's make that the focus of our Christmas this year. Let's just acknowledge that our blessings are from Him and not of our own doing. Let's set aside our illusion and embrace the reality. God is very good to us all!

It's been a while since my last post and I apologize for that. Life went crazy there for a little while and I'm having to adjust to some new things. Hopefully the adjustment period is over and I can get back to doing this on a more regular basis. That being said. . .

I've been thinking a lot lately about the church at large, about what happens to our brothers and sisters around the world. Adam and I have friends that run a missionary ministry to Iran. I am always sobered and thankful after a conversation with them. I hear stories of people ostracized, imprisoned and killed for their faith in Jesus. In a recent video I heard the story of two women imprisoned for their faith. On more than one occasion they have faced a judge and refused to denounce Christ, then they go back to their cells. Recently one of the three charges against them was dropped, but they could still die for their “crimes.” To make things worse, their health is failing, and they are refused medical care. So they may die in prison awaiting their trial or they may end up dying for their faith. Either way they hold their heads high and put everything on the line for Jesus.

Six years ago another woman was faced with this decision: Renounce Jesus or we will take your daughter (then three years old) away from you. That lady said she looked up saw the face of Jesus and knew she could not deny Him. She now ministers to children and hopes to some day find her daughter in that.

I walk away from these stories and wonder do I have what it takes to stare death in the face and refuse to denounce Him? Even Peter failed this test the first time (or three). I usually end up thinking that I do, but afraid that I don't. Maybe I don't and that is why God allowed me to be born here, where I don't have to face this test.

I wonder what makes me think I could face death, when I have trouble facing rejection with my friends and neighbors. I don't witness as I should. I don't speak to unbelievers about my faith as much as I could. I don't risk discomfort, so why do I think I would risk death? Christians in parts of the world put their lives on the line to share Jesus, but I won't put what social standing I may have out there for Him. I pray for Muslims around the world to come to know Jesus as savior, but I don't speak to my Muslim friend about her faith and mine.

It is very easy to put missions in a box that goes around the world. It is very easy in our society to say "someone else will do it." But the fact of the matter is the Great Commission is for all of us, weather we go to the other side of the globe or the other side of the street. So, go on missions trips, pray for those persecuted and martyred, and be willing to do a little for the Kingdom yourself, in your little part of the world.

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. (Mark 16:15)

Visit http://www.iran30.org/ and join in prayer for the church in Iran.

So all this talk about what is good and bad about worship styles and I feel like all I've done is make some people happy and others. . . not so much. So I just want to sum things up by saying this: Worship isn't about us. It is about God. Over the last few posts I've talked about why people like different things and I think I have made some valid points, but so what?

It really upsets me when I see people, young and old alike that check out just because a certain style of music is being played. You have to understand that you might not like everything, but that others like what you don't. It isn't always about what makes you happy. It is about giving glory to God, and crossing your arms and pretending to be somewhere else until you like the song that is being played gives glory to no one. And honestly it makes your love for God seem conditional. I know I'm being harsh, and trust me I would rather not be, but this needs to said. People, I have my preferences. I love a screaming guitar, bass I can feel in my bones, and rocking drums. I love music I can dance to and music I can bow on my knees to. I love to run the gambit of intensity in worship. But I know that this does not suit everyone. Two my of favorite high praise songs haven't been done in my church. I understand that it is just too much for a lot of people, and yes sometimes that can be frustrating, but that doesn't stop me from giving God my all in worship, no matter the song.

What we need to come to grips with is that we are all saying the same thing, whatever style we sing it in. Think about it for a minute. . . How Great Thou Art (hymn) & How Great Is Our God (modern) What A Friend We Have In Jesus (hymn) & What a Friend I've Found, Friend of God (modern). See? Same thing. And as long as we are saying the same thing why does it matter if we like the accompaniment? Or for that matter the volume? Or what instrument is being played? As long as we glorify God what else really matters?

So what I'm saying is: It's time to lay our preferences aside. It's time to give God what He deserves no matter the style of the song. It's time to stop worrying about musical style and “worship in spirit and in truth” no matter what song we sing. And didn't Jesus tell us to prefer our brother? And aren't we supposed to try to reach the lost. . . who typically don't appreciate hymns? And shouldn't we honor our mother and father (and their mother and father) by singing songs they like? Don't discredit anything just because you don't like it. It all has its purpose. And its purpose is to glorify God.

I guess I should continue my rant by speaking my thoughts about modern worship music. I have so many thoughts it is hard to nail down any. The problem is today's worship runs such a wide gambit of genres and styles that it can't be nailed down to a single label, like hymns. I mean, hymns are hymns. You can't say that about today's worship. There are simple repetitive songs, and deep complex songs. There are songs of desperation, and celebration. There is just so much today, and it all serves to express our own deepest yearnings, thoughts, needs, and love.

What I love about modern worship is the variety. I know there are a lot of people out there that love traditional, old, and familiar songs, but I have a hard time with that. The truth is there are a lot of songs that if I ever hear them again it will be too soon, just because they were worn out. I love the chance to not only learn something new and different, but in that to find a new way to say to God what I need to say. Today's worship is not about stating facts about God, but truly giving our hearts to Him in love, adoration and worship. I love learning new songs because in that I think about what I am singing, and I am reminded of my need of and love for God. In all honesty, when a song becomes too familiar I can sing it without thinking or feeling or meaning what is coming out of my mouth, and that is not true worship.

I love modern worship because it points my emotions in the right direction. I want to share 2 things about the way I feel about emotions and God: 1. I don't approve of over-emotional hype that just feels good, but is not truly God centered. 2. I believe God gave us our emotions because he wants us to express ourselves. God has emotions. The bible talks about Him being jealous for us, loving us, being angry even hints at frustration. God wants us to share our feelings toward him. I truly believe God's desire is not for us to stand still and sing a song we've sung a hundred times without feeling. God's desire is for us to engage in worship, to reach out to Him with our hearts, souls, spirits and yes even our bodies. God desires what is on the inside to come bubbling and overflowing out. Modern worship paves the way for that to happen for me. The words that resonate in the heart, the music that builds and subsides, the intensity of emotion released, all work to take me into God's presence. And in His presence is where He wants us, so He can pour out His love on us.

I think the thing I love the most about modern worship, is there is a constant reminder that this thing called Christianity is not a one sided conversation. It is not God did His part now we must do ours. It's not a formal service once a week. It isn't even accept Jesus and be good, follow the rules and get in heaven, the end. This is supposed to be a relationship. Today's worship is interactive, on our part and God's. I love when we sing a song and get to a point that God is in that room so strong that no more words can be said. I love it when we get to one line of a song and it is so exactly what we need to say and what God wants to hear in that moment that we repeat it until the words are truly a part of us. I love it when during a worshipful moment people truly open up and bear their hearts to God and He is there speaking right back to that heart. That is the essence of today's worship.



I think there will only be one more Worship Anyway post. Part 4 is coming and I hope in that post to bring everyone together in worship to our truly amazing God. Until next time. . .

I want to start with a subject that gets a lot of people up in arms. Hymns. That one word makes some people sigh in contentment and others cringe on the inside. I grew up singing hymns in church until I was a teenager and we moved to more contemporary worship. The truth is I love both so I hope I can speak to both sides of the issue.

To my hymn lovers:

I read a book recently about an Amish family living in today's world. I was struck by the rules they follow. Evidently each church district's leaders make the rules they have to follow. These particular people could have gas appliances, running water and a fully functioning bathroom, but no electricity. They could use telephones, but couldn't have them in their houses. They could not own or drive cars, but they could hire a reliable driver to take them places. I just found my self wondering, how do you find the cut off? How do you define what goes to far and where to draw the line? Those are the questions I want you to try to answer.

I keep thinking about how your parents probably didn't approve of Elvis or the Beatles, and their parents may not have approved of jazz or swing. But with the generations come change, and lets face it: every song, every hymn was new at some point. Some were even set to the tune of secular songs. Did you know that Luther wrote some of his songs to old pub tunes? You have to stop putting a line in the sand, saying “if I didn't sing it as a child it doesn't work for me.”

I want you to know that I know the value of something familiar. Some songs are powerful to you because wrap around you like your favorite blanket. Warm and comfy you can access His presence more easily. I get that, more than you know. But think of the people who don't feel that way about those songs. People who a turned off by just how old the song sounds. People whose warm comfy blanket is something more modern. People who also need to connect to God in a real way. Isn't it worth giving up a little comfort to provide a little comfort?

To my hymn dislikers (I didn't want to say haters even though it sounds better :))

Let me set the scene for you. You are in church enjoying praise and worship. Then the piano starts to play these old chords and you know what is about to happen. The “more mature” people get excited and start singing their hearts out while you wonder where they pulled this song from. You stand there and try to figure out the actual meaning of the song around the thee and thous. It can be a bit frustrating. But just take the time to think about it for a minute. Do you think that maybe these classic hymns have stood the test of time for a reason?

A lot of the modern worship songs carry you places. The music is intense and the lyrics make sense and can be easily related to. These songs express raw yearning and need and put people in a place to not only access God's presence but pour out our hearts before Him. But I think what a lot of modern songs miss is the depth and beauty of hymns. For example:

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

I nearly cry just reading those words, let alone singing them. This is the 3rd verse and chorus of my favorite hymn. In all honesty it may be my favorite song. What we miss today is poetry in music form. I'm not saying people don't write “deep” songs anymore, because they do, but some things are truly timeless.

I think where people do hymns a disservice is to not only tune out the beauty and meaning of the words, but avoid the sense of history and tradition that comes with singing a song that your mother, and her mother and her mother sang. To avoid the tradition in hymns would be like never again singing your favorite Christmas carols. Think of a Christmas without Silent Night or Away in a Manger. That, dear friends, is the church without hymns. It just wouldn't be the same.


Stay tuned for more on worship. . .

Worship is more than just the songs we sing, more than just what happens on Sunday morning. Worship is the life we live. It is everything that we do according to 1 Cor. 10:31 “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” But just to make things easier over the next few posts if I say worship I am referring to praise and worship music. I have become disheartened by the seemingly constant battle over how worship should be done, what songs to sing and how to sing them. Some people want high energy, intense music. Some want hymns, and some not just hymns, but they have to be done in the traditional way or they just don't count. Some want free-flow, no songs prophetic worship. Some want 3 fast songs 2 slow songs and we sit down. Some want the whole service to be worship, some just want to get it over with. I have seen and heard it all over the years, and it breaks my heart.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. About what connects us to God and why. About how we respond to Him and He to us. About what really matters in worship. I think God wants everyone to connect in no matter what that takes, but how can that be accomplished when so many people are concerned about their personal preferences? I have so much to say that it will take much of your time than I want to at once. So I'm going to break it up, and I hope over the next few posts to speak to all of you. To validate your points of view and preferences, but also that of others. I hope that you read everything and maybe see things differently than you have to this point. I hope to bring us all together at least a little bit. So until next time. . .

I have read several good books recently and watched some good movies, but I am bothered by a trend I've been experiencing. A lot of these stories have not had happy endings. The hero doesn't get the girl, or the heroine dies, or something just leaves you unsettled. I read a review of a book that criticized the author for allowing the hero and heroine to get everything they wanted out of life and have their “happily ever after.”

It leaves me wondering, what has happened to us? Why is it that we as a culture don't really believe in happy endings anymore? Has the harshness of life made us believe that they don't exist? Has the astounding divorce rate robbed us of the belief that happily ever after can happen? Have we become so cynical that happy endings seem childish and so unlikely it’s laughable? I know that suffering and pain are a part of life. I understand that we are going to face hardships, but does that mean we don't ever get the happy ending?

I have been feeling very dissatisfied with the lack of happy endings. I was actually angry with one book. It was the third in a trilogy. I had invested time and money into these books and it ended wrong! I read the authors commentary about how the story came full circle and was complete. I don't buy it. I believe in happy endings and that is what I want to read and to see. I want to see triumph over struggle. I want to see people achieve their goals and get things right in the end. I want to see people end up making the right choice, and being rewarded for it.

I started thinking, why is this so important to me? I realized that the happy ending I want to see in my books and movies is a reflection of an eternal truth in my heart. You see, for those of us who have made the right choice, the happy ending is inevitable. No matter the struggle we face or what we have to overcome in this life we have the promise of eternal life. And not only eternal life but that life with the lover of our souls. My friends, we get our “happily ever after”. The bible says God has placed eternity in the hearts of men. So I believe God has placed that desire for "happily ever after" in our hearts, because He wants to be that for us. He is our happily ever after. And that is reason to rejoice.

I think I might be getting ready to disappoint some of my friends out there. I just want to let you know in advance this might not be what you think. That being said. . .

I hear a lot of talk out there today about people in the church being fake. You know what I'm talking about. People say that the church is so fake because we all paint smiles on our faces and say we are fine when we aren't. I guess I get that to a point, but honestly it seems like people don't want us to have any privacy. And while I'm being honest it seems like sometimes those people who want us to "be real” are really just nosy. Case in point: If asked how am doing I try to be honest. But "just having and bad day" or "got a lot on my plate right now" never seems to be enough. I always get follow up questions and saying out loud "I don't want to talk about it" makes everyone uncomfortable. The fact of the matter is, not everything that goes on in my life is your business!

Let me clarify a few things for those of you who don't know me. 1: I am a very open person. There aren't many things about my life that I will shy away from talking about. 2: I am also a private person. There are some things that I want to stay between me and God, or me, God and a few close friends. 3: I am a moody person. Whether or not I want to talk about something usually depends on my mood. Sometimes, I just don't want to talk about things.

Now having said all that I have a few questions for those of you that think people are fake. 1: Are you that person's friend? 2: Jesus tells us to carry one another's burdens. . . are you ready to do that for that person? 3 : What is the real motivation behind your concern. . . do you care or are you just curious?

So, I'm going to throw some suggestions out there for those of you frustrated with the fake. The next time you ask someone how they are doing and you think there answer is fake, just pray for them with out knowing the specifics. It will help a lot more than your curiosity. Let vague honestly be enough. You can ask if they want to talk about it, but be willing to let it go if they say no. Let that person know if they need a friend you are there. Let people tell you their secrets on their own terms. Give a person their privacy, and let God deal with the rest.

Here is the deal. My husband is in full-time ministry. I understand that I live in a glass house because of that. But I never signed up to tell everyone everything. If I need help or am going through something, I tell my close friends. If you ask how I'm doing and I smile and say "fine," it might be my "church face" and it might not. You should know that "fine" doesn't mean "great," so I'm not lying. You need to consider that I have my reasons for not wanting to share everything, and you need to trust me and God to work those things out. My point is: I have a "church face” and I am comfortable with that. You need to be, too.

The other night I was reading my bible and something really jumped out at me. I was reading in Psalms, just trying to focus my thoughts before turning out the light to go to sleep. Just reading along and then “Whoa . . .” I was reading out of the New Living Translation, not my usual bible. I knew I would probably see new things with a new translation, but nothing like this. I have read Psalm 37 many times. Psalms is my favorite book of the Bible, just because I can relate so well to so many of them. So reading this chapter was kind of my lullaby, until I grazed over verses 23 and 24.

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

At first, it didn't register. I just kept reading then it hit me, “wait, what did that say?” So I read it again. “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

Whoa. . .

Every detail. Every detail! Every detail? I couldn't quite comprehend it. I flipped back through memories of some details I was pretty sure He didn't delight in. But the bible said every detail. And then it all made sense. The next verse set it all straight. “Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

Those stumbles, those remembered details that I knew he couldn't possibly delight in, He was there in those times, holding my hand. I remembered the other week. My son had done something that he was not proud of and, when he realized it, he went to pieces. Now, I fully disapproved of his behavior. I was even a little angry with him to be honest, but I held him as he cried. He was upset and he turned to me. And at that moment I was able to take joy from the simple fact that I was holding him. The reason I got to hold him didn't really matter, I just enjoyed having him in my arms, and we dealt with the issue later.

I wonder if that is how it is for God. He is able to delight in every detail because he loves us. Even the stumbles, the things that we are not proud of He delights in those because He gets to hold our hand and help us through. It brings to mind 2 Corinthians 12:9 (New Living Translation) Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. Amen.

Something else sticks out to me. It first talks about our steps being directed by God and then speaks of stumbling. Humm. The order does make you think . . .

Crossroads. What do you do at a crossroads? Go straight? Turn right, or left? Well, I find myself just standing there, looking at my options, and wondering...”What do I do now?” You see my baby starts school in July. My kids will be in school and the need for me to be a full-time stay-at-home mom is no longer present. Now what? What do I do? Go back to school... ok, for what? Get a job? The only experience in have is in daycare... no thank you. Do I continue at home? That sounds boring. So what now?

I face this problem with many more questions floating through my head. I am in an interesting place in my spiritual journey. For the first time since I was a child I find myself not in leadership at my church. As a child I was a leader in the sense that I was steady, constant. My teachers relied on me to lead by example and shy encouragement. As I grew into a teenager I was the only one in my youth group that would take on any responsibility. I was ridiculed for be a “teacher's pet” and looked up to when the others found themselves in difficult situations. And then I decided to get married...to a minister. Well, I'm sure you know what that means. I have been a nursery director, dance team leader, choir member, praise team member, been apart of children's ministires, led and co-led small groups and prayer groups. I have just about done it all. But what I never realized was how much my relationship with God was based on the people I led. The depth of my walk was determined by my level of service. Now that has been very purposefully stripped away, and I find myself floundering.

I'm not sure how to seek God for myself alone. In recent weeks I have honestly found myself complacent. Not being pushed into my relationship by the necessities of leadership, I have lost a hold on the passion that I had. I feel off-balance and aimless in my walk which makes facing this crossroads even more unsettling. So where does that leave me (besides wanting your prayers)? The truth is: I don't know. But somehow after my recent struggles with trust I find myself ok with this. I think I trust Him to lead me through. The key for me is the “on my own” part. I have to learn that while my life should be about leading other into greater knowledge of Him, my relationship with Him shouldn't be based on what others need. My relationship is based on my love for Him. So when it all boils down to the most basic question, I am left with this: How much do I truly love Him? That is where my thoughts and prayers will center this week.

You ever have your words to come back and bite you in the butt? I'm feeling that way today. I'm really down because I just found out that an old friend has cancer, and the doctor hasn't been very encouraging so far. I seem to be asking a lot of questions right now. My husband's mom has cancer, another of our friends just finished a stem cell transplant for multiple myeloma, and now this. Not to mention that another friend just got diagnosed with diabetes, my dad is having to see a specialist for his diabetic feet and my mom may need back surgery soon. What in the world is God doing...or not doing for that matter? And then my own words come back to me (from my last post). "Do I trust God or not?" Right now I'm finding it difficult. So, what to do? How do I find my trust again? I decided I need some help in that department and I found these:

Psalm 5:11-12
"But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous; with favor You will surround him as with a shield."

Job 13:15a
"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."

Job tells of a vow he has made. No matter what happens I will trust God. Psalms give us a promise, a blessing on those that trust Him. So where is that blessing in times of trouble? Why does Job have to say that he will trust even if God kills him. Why do these things happen? I don't know. I wish I had a more sufficient answer but that is the best I can do. The simple fact is: His ways are not our ways. The bible says in Isaiah 55 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” (verses 8-9).

So I guess what I am talking about is the acceptance that comes before the trust. I have to accept that I am not going to understand all the things that happen in life. In all honesty I'm going to think that a lot of things are unfair, and undeserved. I'm also going to wonder why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad. But I have to accept that I am NOT God. He is sovereign. His ways and thoughts are so very high above mine, and if I can accept that, then the trusting isn't such an issue. And if I do this, then the promise, the joy that comes in truly trusting God, will be in effect in my life.


***I wrote this yesterday, in a weak moment. I am more confident in my God today. It is like I said before...sometimes I need to throw my fit and then I can react to things as I should. Today I really do believe Jeremiah 29:11 " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " I thought it would be good for all of you to see that we all struggle with our faith at times. We really do get overwhelmed with things. And it is ok to speak our struggles to God, so He can help us face and overcome them. He is with us and here for us in times of struggle. Jesus said the Holy Spirit would be our comforter. I am resting in the arms of comfort today. :)

I was watching Twilight the other day and something struck me. Now I know you are probably thinking “Bible lessons from a vampire movie? Come on, Misty.” But seriously, this movie made me see something in myself in had never seen before. Here is the scene: Edward (very handsome tortured soul, the vampire that refuses to drink human blood) and Bella (beautiful yet clumsy girl who is not your typical dramatic teenager) have fallen in love. They are perched in the top of a tree, and Edward is sitting on a branch ready to take Bella on the ride of her life, and she is hanging on to him for dear life. Then he asks her this question, “Do you trust me?”

Now Bella knows Edward is a vampire. She knows that he could kill her. She knows that it is a constant battle for him to avoid human blood. She also knows that because of his feelings her, his desire for her blood is that much more intense. She knows all these things that should keep her away, but she doesn't care. She has told him, “I trust you, you won't hurt me.” She surrendered her life to him. But perched in the top of that tree, when he asks if she trusts him, the best answer Bella can come up with is, “in theory.”

Wow!

How many times do we find ourselves like that with God? We surrender our lives to Him. We ask His will for us. We tell Him we will follow where ever He leads. We say we trust Him. But when the rubber meets the road, we hesitate. And many times the best we can come up with is, “I trust You, Lord...in theory.”

But what do we do when faced with a situation where theory has to become reality? We are faced with a decision. Do we stop? Duck and run? Find the safe way out? Or do we choose to trust? Psalm 56:4 says, “In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?” Notice he says in God I have put my trust, not I try to, not I think I have, not I will, but I have. It is a done deal. We have to make that choice, and not back track when things seem uncertain. We have to force the theory to become reality in our lives. We have to trust. It really is that simple. Do you trust Him or not?

I know in my life I seem to have constant questions about what God is doing and why, but the real question is...do I trust Him? If I do then the answers shouldn't matter as much as they do. I'm coming to realize that I don't trust Him as I should. There are conditions on my trust. I have to understand to trust. I have to know the plan to trust. I need to have at least a small sense of control to trust. But then, that isn't really trusting, is it? I need to make the theory reality for myself. So I say today, “I have put my trust in God. It is a done deal for me, now. No more theories. It is reality for me. Lord, just remind me of that tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...”

My son discovered basketball this year. In the past Adam had tried to get Judah to watch the Tarheels with him, but Judah couldn't stay interested that long. This year it began. My kids have known from birth that we were Tarheel fans. It was in their blood, but this year it all came out for Judah. Now, those of you who know my son know that he is very...shall we say passionate. There is very little middle ground with him, so when he began to enjoy watching basketball his passion for the Heels nearly out weighed his dad's. He was even more passionate about his favorite player Tyler Hansbrough. In Judah's mind he was the best player that has ever lived.

When we moved to Raleigh in January it became Adam's mission to go to as many games as he could. He went to one with friends, took me to one, and got free tickets to 2 of the women's games. To those he took Judah and Mercy to one and his mom to the other. It was all very fun and we were all content with our basketball experience until the Tarheels made it to the finals.

Adam wanted to go so badly, but settled for watching it on our couch in HD (poor baby). Judah was completely thrilled that we let him stay up to watch the game until he realized that this was Tyler's last game as a tarheel. He didn't overreact he just got this sad look on his face and said “you mean I'll never get to see him play in person?” It made me sad, but I thought he would be able to get over it and he did.

Well, when they won Judah was thrilled, and Adam decided to check him out of school the next day to take him to the Dean Dome for the welcome home celebration. They had so much fun, Father and son, sharing a passion and celebration that might not happen again. I was so happy for them. But Judah's sad face was still on my mind so when we heard of a benefit game Tyler and the other seniors from that team were doing we bought tickets. My baby was going to see Tyler play. I was very happy. Adam even let me take the credit for this one since he got to take him to the celebration.

Adam got in line 3 hours early because the players were supposed to sign autographs for 30 minutes before the game. We met him there and we all waited and talked with the people around us and made the best of it. It looked like we were sure to get in for the autographs, but then...They started lining up the people with VIP tickets to go in first. There was nothing about this on the game website so I was NOT happy. We were still hoping but we talked to Judah and prepared him that he may not get his jersey autographed. He was sad, but ok. Well, after they let in the VIPs they opened all the general admission gates and people were jumping lines and running and acting crazy. Mercy was scared so Adam took her to sit down and I stood in line with Judah and realized that it really wasn't going to work. We were just too far back in line. Then I heard Adam say "throw me Judah's jersey." I was confused, but I did, and I saw him throw it over the side of the bleachers.

I got out of line and asked what was going on. He said, "Jerry made it through." Jerry was the really nice man standing behind us in line. How he got past us, I don't know. The thing was, I knew Jerry had a ball he wanted signed, and they were only allowing one autograph per person, so I was still sad until...Jerry came to sit down with us and gave Judah his jersey. I didn't see it at first, but when I heard Judah scream I knew what had happened. Jerry, when faced with an unexpected, and last minute decision, chose my son over himself.

What no one knew at that point was that momma had been praying. I knew how much Judah would love to have a Hansbrough autograph. Adam and I had even looked at buying one on-line, but they are so expensive. So since we moved to Raleigh I had been praying a simple prayer, “Lord, it would be really cool if Judah could get that autograph. If you want to do something for me, do this for him.” In that line, I thought the answer to my prayer was no. I was ok, but it was just something I really wanted to do for my baby. And as I stood there fighting tears, Jerry made a choice. I'm sure he thought he was just doing something nice for a kid, but he was really an answer to a prayer.

I'm coming to understand more and more that in our lives it is the little things that matter most. A lot of people say “don't sweat the small stuff,” but I disagree. It is the small stuff that we do, the random acts of kindness that mean the most to others. You would never think that a guy getting Judah's jersey signed would show me how much God loves me, but it did. So the next time you want to show your love, stick with the small stuff. It says the most.