dancing through the maze

Ever have a clogged drain...maybe not completely clogged, but one that the water runs so slowly down that all the icky stuff gets left on the sides of the sink? I think that was me.

The last 8 months or so have been...we’ll go with challenging. I’ve faced things that I never thought I would face. I’ve had to be someone I never thought I would be. I’ve had to manage situations and emotions I never thought I would have to manage. I know I’m speaking in code. I’ll go into all the details at a later date. Point being, I sucked it up and prayerfully dealt with the blows life was landing on me. I sucked it up to the point of being a yucky clogged drain. The water and the Spirit still moved through me but at such a sluggish pace that I ended up with all the nasty stuff clinging to me. It was not a fun place to be.

So last week Adam and I went to a conference. Not just any conference, but re:create, the conference for creative people that invests in the people not just their craft. It is the best conference EVER (if you’re like me). I started the conference like a sluggish drain after a long night. The water had made its way down but all the ickies remained stuck to the sides. Then it happened: spiritual draino. Through the music, the worship, the people, and the spirit of God in that place my drain got dramatically unclogged. Water in the form of tears flowed and washed away all the yuck of life that had been sticking to me. It would say it was a time of refreshing but that isn’t right. Refreshing is tubing slowly down a river. I was washed away in the current of a broken dam and I relished it. I needed every moment of not being in control of my emotions, of my schedule, of my life.

It was in the beauty of not being in control that I realized this is what life is supposed to look like. Not in the sense that I let someone else dictate how I spend my time every day, but that I let go of my need to be in control, and let God do it. I need to stop waiting until the drain is clogged and gunk is sticking to me to let go of what I can’t do anything about anyway. I need to not only take the time to rest in my Father’s arms (because I had done that) I need to leave my burden at his feet when I leave and not pick it up again. I need to not let my drain get bogged down with all the craziness of life. I need to let the refreshing happen constantly so maybe I won’t need the broken dam.

It took 4 days of crying to flush my system of all the gunk. 4 days worth of stuff I had held on to. 4 days worth mess I had to let go of. I am so grateful for that 4 days. I’m grateful for the broken dam and the unclogged drain. I’m grateful to feel alive in God again, instead of spiritually sluggish. I'm grateful for a renewed fullness of life and the freedom flow again...

I was in church a couple weeks ago listening to a guest speaker as he was reading his passage out of The Message (a bible paraphrase). I'm not normally a Message fan, it just doesn't usually resonate with me, but then he read these words. . .

“We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in ?Him and finds its purpose in Him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, He organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body. He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—He is supreme in the end. From beginning to end He's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is He, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in Him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of His death, His blood that poured down from the cross.” -Colossians 1:15-20

I have to tell you the imagery took me for a ride. I'm not real sure what else he said because I meditated on these words. I'll share with you what stuck in my head. “all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies.” This phrase has carried me on a journey since that morning.

To put things in the proper perspective let me tell you a story. I was in eighth grade and part of my jr. high's choral group. I loved singing and this was without a doubt my favorite class. The thing about choral groups is in many cases you never really get the hear what the whole group sounds like together. The sopranos stand with the sopranos and sing their part, as do the altos and tenors. You are surrounded by those doing what you do so you never get hear all the parts together in harmony. In the spring of that year we went to an amusement park for a regional competition. We did well and ended up getting the highest mark you could receive: a superior. We were all excited, and jumped and shouted like a group of 7th-9th graders should. Then it was time to go home and this is the part I will never forget. Our director let us each take turns listening to the performance, and when I heard it I was amazed. I never realized we sounded like that. The harmonies were spot on and in perfect balance and the songs were done so well that I couldn't believe it was us. I couldn't believe my small insecure voice had a part in anything so complete, so beautiful.

And that brings me back to these verses. So many times I feel like what I do is small and insignificant. And to be honest, most of the time I don't feel qualified for even those small insignificant tasks God has for me. A friend told me the other day, “Sometimes I wonder why in the world He has laid things on my heart to do, when I know there are better people to handle them than me. I do not get it at all. . . Other people would not have the distractions I have, and would get things done better.” So I know that I am not the only one. The thing is, if I wasn't there for that competition, the soprano part wouldn't have been as strong, and the harmonies wouldn't have been in such perfect balance. Yes, there were much better singers than me in the group, but what mattered was how the group sounded as a whole. Sometimes I do feel “broken and dislocated” but God has fixed me the this spot and fit me for it and it for me. I don't have to know the whys and what fors, I just have to look forward to the time when I can hear the complete harmony and know I played a part in some vibrantly beautiful.

Most of the time I blame my son's behavior on my husband. I've said many times that Judah is just another Adam. He does things that confuse me, and don't make sense to me, and just plain aggravate the mess out of me. And that is ALL Adam's genes coming through. People often say that the child that is more like you is more of a challenge. Well, I have disagreed with that for a while now. I have said that because Mercy is more like me, I understand her and know what to do with her. Judah is just this unknown entity to me. Well, the other day Judah was doing something that was really driving me up the wall and it hit me. I used to do that. It wasn't exactly the same, it came across in a more masculine form, but it was the same thing. This was my fault. This was my genetic material shining through and driving me crazy. I began to look at things a little differently then. I began to ask myself questions like, when I was a kid what would have helped me in this situation, and guess what? It helps him. I was staggered. I had been so busy blaming my husband for certain things about my son, that I couldn't see myself in it. That got me wondering. . . where else am I blaming others for my faults?

When I lose my temper, I might say, “well, (s)he made me mad!) The reality is no matter what they did it isn't their fault I can't control myself.

When I call a guy a name when he just cut me off in traffic, I say, “its their fault! They are driving like a maniac!” When the truth is my tongue and what comes out of my mouth are my business.

When I blame Adam and the kids for not keeping the house orderly, I never take the time too see my things laying around as well. Maybe I need to set a better example.

When I blame others for taking advantage of me, maybe I need to stop allowing them to do it.

When I blame others for not seeing my side of things maybe I need to take a minute to see theirs.

When I blame other for my problems maybe I need to take an honest look in the mirror and re-evaluate.

We are all so fast to blame everyone else for everything we don't like. It is very rare that any of us takes the time to really look at a situation and see our own fault in it. We don't want to accept how much of what goes wrong can be traced right back to ourselves. The thing is when we truly see where the problem is we can really begin to work on a solution. If I hadn't taken the time to see my faults in my son I never would have found a way to help him deal with it. If I had continued to play the blame game it would have been my son who suffered the consequences not me or my husband. I wonder how many people suffer because we blame everyone else but ourselves. Food for thought. . .

So my husband had the talk with my eight-year-old. Well, not THAT talk, the Santa talk. I really didn't want this to happen. He is my baby and I wasn't ready for it. I can't think of a bigger sign that childhood is passing than no longer believing in Santa. It made me so sad, but we had to make a decision concerning him. Knowing his disposition we knew that one of us needed to be the one to tell him. He is exactly the kind of kid that would either get in a fight defending Santa and cry for days if he found out in an uncontrolled way. The other problem was the whole, nothing is impossible for Santa but some things are impossible for mom and dad's bank account, thing. So I finally gave in and let Adam have the talk with Judah. I was expecting tears and hysterics, but boy was I wrong. The end of the conversation went something like this:

Judah: So you bought me my DS?
Adam: Yeah. You ok with that?
Judah: You and mom took money out of your bank account to buy me things so I would believe in Santa. Yeah, I think I'm ok with that.

And that was it. What surprised me so much was not just the lack of drama, sadness and disappointment, but the sense of gratitude that came across in his words. The “you did that for me?” attitude that he had, amazed me. And I was grateful for the gift my son is to me.

In the days since then I have been thinking a lot about believing in illusions. In today's busy world it is easy to do that. We use credit cards to over spend, pretending we have money we don't. We work our job and rely on our talents and abilities to keep those jobs and provide for our families. We count on friends and loved ones to provide us support and advice in difficult times and in simple decisions. Self-sufficiency becomes our Santa. We believe whole-heartedly in that illusion, and trust that it will not disappoint.

I think maybe it is time for us, as Christians, to grow up a little. We need to truly realize the source of our blessings. The Bible says that God is our provider, that He will supply our needs (Phil. 4:19), and that every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James 1:17). Everything I have and every moment I live is a direct result of God and His goodness to me. How can we think of Jesus in the fullness of everything He did and not say, “Wow! You did that for me?”

What strikes me is, Judah didn't say “thank you” to us, but just him acknowledging where the gifts came from made me feel like he was grateful. So let's make that the focus of our Christmas this year. Let's just acknowledge that our blessings are from Him and not of our own doing. Let's set aside our illusion and embrace the reality. God is very good to us all!

So all this talk about what is good and bad about worship styles and I feel like all I've done is make some people happy and others. . . not so much. So I just want to sum things up by saying this: Worship isn't about us. It is about God. Over the last few posts I've talked about why people like different things and I think I have made some valid points, but so what?

It really upsets me when I see people, young and old alike that check out just because a certain style of music is being played. You have to understand that you might not like everything, but that others like what you don't. It isn't always about what makes you happy. It is about giving glory to God, and crossing your arms and pretending to be somewhere else until you like the song that is being played gives glory to no one. And honestly it makes your love for God seem conditional. I know I'm being harsh, and trust me I would rather not be, but this needs to said. People, I have my preferences. I love a screaming guitar, bass I can feel in my bones, and rocking drums. I love music I can dance to and music I can bow on my knees to. I love to run the gambit of intensity in worship. But I know that this does not suit everyone. Two my of favorite high praise songs haven't been done in my church. I understand that it is just too much for a lot of people, and yes sometimes that can be frustrating, but that doesn't stop me from giving God my all in worship, no matter the song.

What we need to come to grips with is that we are all saying the same thing, whatever style we sing it in. Think about it for a minute. . . How Great Thou Art (hymn) & How Great Is Our God (modern) What A Friend We Have In Jesus (hymn) & What a Friend I've Found, Friend of God (modern). See? Same thing. And as long as we are saying the same thing why does it matter if we like the accompaniment? Or for that matter the volume? Or what instrument is being played? As long as we glorify God what else really matters?

So what I'm saying is: It's time to lay our preferences aside. It's time to give God what He deserves no matter the style of the song. It's time to stop worrying about musical style and “worship in spirit and in truth” no matter what song we sing. And didn't Jesus tell us to prefer our brother? And aren't we supposed to try to reach the lost. . . who typically don't appreciate hymns? And shouldn't we honor our mother and father (and their mother and father) by singing songs they like? Don't discredit anything just because you don't like it. It all has its purpose. And its purpose is to glorify God.

I guess I should continue my rant by speaking my thoughts about modern worship music. I have so many thoughts it is hard to nail down any. The problem is today's worship runs such a wide gambit of genres and styles that it can't be nailed down to a single label, like hymns. I mean, hymns are hymns. You can't say that about today's worship. There are simple repetitive songs, and deep complex songs. There are songs of desperation, and celebration. There is just so much today, and it all serves to express our own deepest yearnings, thoughts, needs, and love.

What I love about modern worship is the variety. I know there are a lot of people out there that love traditional, old, and familiar songs, but I have a hard time with that. The truth is there are a lot of songs that if I ever hear them again it will be too soon, just because they were worn out. I love the chance to not only learn something new and different, but in that to find a new way to say to God what I need to say. Today's worship is not about stating facts about God, but truly giving our hearts to Him in love, adoration and worship. I love learning new songs because in that I think about what I am singing, and I am reminded of my need of and love for God. In all honesty, when a song becomes too familiar I can sing it without thinking or feeling or meaning what is coming out of my mouth, and that is not true worship.

I love modern worship because it points my emotions in the right direction. I want to share 2 things about the way I feel about emotions and God: 1. I don't approve of over-emotional hype that just feels good, but is not truly God centered. 2. I believe God gave us our emotions because he wants us to express ourselves. God has emotions. The bible talks about Him being jealous for us, loving us, being angry even hints at frustration. God wants us to share our feelings toward him. I truly believe God's desire is not for us to stand still and sing a song we've sung a hundred times without feeling. God's desire is for us to engage in worship, to reach out to Him with our hearts, souls, spirits and yes even our bodies. God desires what is on the inside to come bubbling and overflowing out. Modern worship paves the way for that to happen for me. The words that resonate in the heart, the music that builds and subsides, the intensity of emotion released, all work to take me into God's presence. And in His presence is where He wants us, so He can pour out His love on us.

I think the thing I love the most about modern worship, is there is a constant reminder that this thing called Christianity is not a one sided conversation. It is not God did His part now we must do ours. It's not a formal service once a week. It isn't even accept Jesus and be good, follow the rules and get in heaven, the end. This is supposed to be a relationship. Today's worship is interactive, on our part and God's. I love when we sing a song and get to a point that God is in that room so strong that no more words can be said. I love it when we get to one line of a song and it is so exactly what we need to say and what God wants to hear in that moment that we repeat it until the words are truly a part of us. I love it when during a worshipful moment people truly open up and bear their hearts to God and He is there speaking right back to that heart. That is the essence of today's worship.



I think there will only be one more Worship Anyway post. Part 4 is coming and I hope in that post to bring everyone together in worship to our truly amazing God. Until next time. . .

Worship is more than just the songs we sing, more than just what happens on Sunday morning. Worship is the life we live. It is everything that we do according to 1 Cor. 10:31 “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” But just to make things easier over the next few posts if I say worship I am referring to praise and worship music. I have become disheartened by the seemingly constant battle over how worship should be done, what songs to sing and how to sing them. Some people want high energy, intense music. Some want hymns, and some not just hymns, but they have to be done in the traditional way or they just don't count. Some want free-flow, no songs prophetic worship. Some want 3 fast songs 2 slow songs and we sit down. Some want the whole service to be worship, some just want to get it over with. I have seen and heard it all over the years, and it breaks my heart.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. About what connects us to God and why. About how we respond to Him and He to us. About what really matters in worship. I think God wants everyone to connect in no matter what that takes, but how can that be accomplished when so many people are concerned about their personal preferences? I have so much to say that it will take much of your time than I want to at once. So I'm going to break it up, and I hope over the next few posts to speak to all of you. To validate your points of view and preferences, but also that of others. I hope that you read everything and maybe see things differently than you have to this point. I hope to bring us all together at least a little bit. So until next time. . .

I have read several good books recently and watched some good movies, but I am bothered by a trend I've been experiencing. A lot of these stories have not had happy endings. The hero doesn't get the girl, or the heroine dies, or something just leaves you unsettled. I read a review of a book that criticized the author for allowing the hero and heroine to get everything they wanted out of life and have their “happily ever after.”

It leaves me wondering, what has happened to us? Why is it that we as a culture don't really believe in happy endings anymore? Has the harshness of life made us believe that they don't exist? Has the astounding divorce rate robbed us of the belief that happily ever after can happen? Have we become so cynical that happy endings seem childish and so unlikely it’s laughable? I know that suffering and pain are a part of life. I understand that we are going to face hardships, but does that mean we don't ever get the happy ending?

I have been feeling very dissatisfied with the lack of happy endings. I was actually angry with one book. It was the third in a trilogy. I had invested time and money into these books and it ended wrong! I read the authors commentary about how the story came full circle and was complete. I don't buy it. I believe in happy endings and that is what I want to read and to see. I want to see triumph over struggle. I want to see people achieve their goals and get things right in the end. I want to see people end up making the right choice, and being rewarded for it.

I started thinking, why is this so important to me? I realized that the happy ending I want to see in my books and movies is a reflection of an eternal truth in my heart. You see, for those of us who have made the right choice, the happy ending is inevitable. No matter the struggle we face or what we have to overcome in this life we have the promise of eternal life. And not only eternal life but that life with the lover of our souls. My friends, we get our “happily ever after”. The bible says God has placed eternity in the hearts of men. So I believe God has placed that desire for "happily ever after" in our hearts, because He wants to be that for us. He is our happily ever after. And that is reason to rejoice.

I think I might be getting ready to disappoint some of my friends out there. I just want to let you know in advance this might not be what you think. That being said. . .

I hear a lot of talk out there today about people in the church being fake. You know what I'm talking about. People say that the church is so fake because we all paint smiles on our faces and say we are fine when we aren't. I guess I get that to a point, but honestly it seems like people don't want us to have any privacy. And while I'm being honest it seems like sometimes those people who want us to "be real” are really just nosy. Case in point: If asked how am doing I try to be honest. But "just having and bad day" or "got a lot on my plate right now" never seems to be enough. I always get follow up questions and saying out loud "I don't want to talk about it" makes everyone uncomfortable. The fact of the matter is, not everything that goes on in my life is your business!

Let me clarify a few things for those of you who don't know me. 1: I am a very open person. There aren't many things about my life that I will shy away from talking about. 2: I am also a private person. There are some things that I want to stay between me and God, or me, God and a few close friends. 3: I am a moody person. Whether or not I want to talk about something usually depends on my mood. Sometimes, I just don't want to talk about things.

Now having said all that I have a few questions for those of you that think people are fake. 1: Are you that person's friend? 2: Jesus tells us to carry one another's burdens. . . are you ready to do that for that person? 3 : What is the real motivation behind your concern. . . do you care or are you just curious?

So, I'm going to throw some suggestions out there for those of you frustrated with the fake. The next time you ask someone how they are doing and you think there answer is fake, just pray for them with out knowing the specifics. It will help a lot more than your curiosity. Let vague honestly be enough. You can ask if they want to talk about it, but be willing to let it go if they say no. Let that person know if they need a friend you are there. Let people tell you their secrets on their own terms. Give a person their privacy, and let God deal with the rest.

Here is the deal. My husband is in full-time ministry. I understand that I live in a glass house because of that. But I never signed up to tell everyone everything. If I need help or am going through something, I tell my close friends. If you ask how I'm doing and I smile and say "fine," it might be my "church face" and it might not. You should know that "fine" doesn't mean "great," so I'm not lying. You need to consider that I have my reasons for not wanting to share everything, and you need to trust me and God to work those things out. My point is: I have a "church face” and I am comfortable with that. You need to be, too.

The other night I was reading my bible and something really jumped out at me. I was reading in Psalms, just trying to focus my thoughts before turning out the light to go to sleep. Just reading along and then “Whoa . . .” I was reading out of the New Living Translation, not my usual bible. I knew I would probably see new things with a new translation, but nothing like this. I have read Psalm 37 many times. Psalms is my favorite book of the Bible, just because I can relate so well to so many of them. So reading this chapter was kind of my lullaby, until I grazed over verses 23 and 24.

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

At first, it didn't register. I just kept reading then it hit me, “wait, what did that say?” So I read it again. “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

Whoa. . .

Every detail. Every detail! Every detail? I couldn't quite comprehend it. I flipped back through memories of some details I was pretty sure He didn't delight in. But the bible said every detail. And then it all made sense. The next verse set it all straight. “Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

Those stumbles, those remembered details that I knew he couldn't possibly delight in, He was there in those times, holding my hand. I remembered the other week. My son had done something that he was not proud of and, when he realized it, he went to pieces. Now, I fully disapproved of his behavior. I was even a little angry with him to be honest, but I held him as he cried. He was upset and he turned to me. And at that moment I was able to take joy from the simple fact that I was holding him. The reason I got to hold him didn't really matter, I just enjoyed having him in my arms, and we dealt with the issue later.

I wonder if that is how it is for God. He is able to delight in every detail because he loves us. Even the stumbles, the things that we are not proud of He delights in those because He gets to hold our hand and help us through. It brings to mind 2 Corinthians 12:9 (New Living Translation) Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. Amen.

Something else sticks out to me. It first talks about our steps being directed by God and then speaks of stumbling. Humm. The order does make you think . . .

Crossroads. What do you do at a crossroads? Go straight? Turn right, or left? Well, I find myself just standing there, looking at my options, and wondering...”What do I do now?” You see my baby starts school in July. My kids will be in school and the need for me to be a full-time stay-at-home mom is no longer present. Now what? What do I do? Go back to school... ok, for what? Get a job? The only experience in have is in daycare... no thank you. Do I continue at home? That sounds boring. So what now?

I face this problem with many more questions floating through my head. I am in an interesting place in my spiritual journey. For the first time since I was a child I find myself not in leadership at my church. As a child I was a leader in the sense that I was steady, constant. My teachers relied on me to lead by example and shy encouragement. As I grew into a teenager I was the only one in my youth group that would take on any responsibility. I was ridiculed for be a “teacher's pet” and looked up to when the others found themselves in difficult situations. And then I decided to get married...to a minister. Well, I'm sure you know what that means. I have been a nursery director, dance team leader, choir member, praise team member, been apart of children's ministires, led and co-led small groups and prayer groups. I have just about done it all. But what I never realized was how much my relationship with God was based on the people I led. The depth of my walk was determined by my level of service. Now that has been very purposefully stripped away, and I find myself floundering.

I'm not sure how to seek God for myself alone. In recent weeks I have honestly found myself complacent. Not being pushed into my relationship by the necessities of leadership, I have lost a hold on the passion that I had. I feel off-balance and aimless in my walk which makes facing this crossroads even more unsettling. So where does that leave me (besides wanting your prayers)? The truth is: I don't know. But somehow after my recent struggles with trust I find myself ok with this. I think I trust Him to lead me through. The key for me is the “on my own” part. I have to learn that while my life should be about leading other into greater knowledge of Him, my relationship with Him shouldn't be based on what others need. My relationship is based on my love for Him. So when it all boils down to the most basic question, I am left with this: How much do I truly love Him? That is where my thoughts and prayers will center this week.

You ever have your words to come back and bite you in the butt? I'm feeling that way today. I'm really down because I just found out that an old friend has cancer, and the doctor hasn't been very encouraging so far. I seem to be asking a lot of questions right now. My husband's mom has cancer, another of our friends just finished a stem cell transplant for multiple myeloma, and now this. Not to mention that another friend just got diagnosed with diabetes, my dad is having to see a specialist for his diabetic feet and my mom may need back surgery soon. What in the world is God doing...or not doing for that matter? And then my own words come back to me (from my last post). "Do I trust God or not?" Right now I'm finding it difficult. So, what to do? How do I find my trust again? I decided I need some help in that department and I found these:

Psalm 5:11-12
"But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous; with favor You will surround him as with a shield."

Job 13:15a
"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."

Job tells of a vow he has made. No matter what happens I will trust God. Psalms give us a promise, a blessing on those that trust Him. So where is that blessing in times of trouble? Why does Job have to say that he will trust even if God kills him. Why do these things happen? I don't know. I wish I had a more sufficient answer but that is the best I can do. The simple fact is: His ways are not our ways. The bible says in Isaiah 55 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” (verses 8-9).

So I guess what I am talking about is the acceptance that comes before the trust. I have to accept that I am not going to understand all the things that happen in life. In all honesty I'm going to think that a lot of things are unfair, and undeserved. I'm also going to wonder why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad. But I have to accept that I am NOT God. He is sovereign. His ways and thoughts are so very high above mine, and if I can accept that, then the trusting isn't such an issue. And if I do this, then the promise, the joy that comes in truly trusting God, will be in effect in my life.


***I wrote this yesterday, in a weak moment. I am more confident in my God today. It is like I said before...sometimes I need to throw my fit and then I can react to things as I should. Today I really do believe Jeremiah 29:11 " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " I thought it would be good for all of you to see that we all struggle with our faith at times. We really do get overwhelmed with things. And it is ok to speak our struggles to God, so He can help us face and overcome them. He is with us and here for us in times of struggle. Jesus said the Holy Spirit would be our comforter. I am resting in the arms of comfort today. :)

I was watching Twilight the other day and something struck me. Now I know you are probably thinking “Bible lessons from a vampire movie? Come on, Misty.” But seriously, this movie made me see something in myself in had never seen before. Here is the scene: Edward (very handsome tortured soul, the vampire that refuses to drink human blood) and Bella (beautiful yet clumsy girl who is not your typical dramatic teenager) have fallen in love. They are perched in the top of a tree, and Edward is sitting on a branch ready to take Bella on the ride of her life, and she is hanging on to him for dear life. Then he asks her this question, “Do you trust me?”

Now Bella knows Edward is a vampire. She knows that he could kill her. She knows that it is a constant battle for him to avoid human blood. She also knows that because of his feelings her, his desire for her blood is that much more intense. She knows all these things that should keep her away, but she doesn't care. She has told him, “I trust you, you won't hurt me.” She surrendered her life to him. But perched in the top of that tree, when he asks if she trusts him, the best answer Bella can come up with is, “in theory.”

Wow!

How many times do we find ourselves like that with God? We surrender our lives to Him. We ask His will for us. We tell Him we will follow where ever He leads. We say we trust Him. But when the rubber meets the road, we hesitate. And many times the best we can come up with is, “I trust You, Lord...in theory.”

But what do we do when faced with a situation where theory has to become reality? We are faced with a decision. Do we stop? Duck and run? Find the safe way out? Or do we choose to trust? Psalm 56:4 says, “In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?” Notice he says in God I have put my trust, not I try to, not I think I have, not I will, but I have. It is a done deal. We have to make that choice, and not back track when things seem uncertain. We have to force the theory to become reality in our lives. We have to trust. It really is that simple. Do you trust Him or not?

I know in my life I seem to have constant questions about what God is doing and why, but the real question is...do I trust Him? If I do then the answers shouldn't matter as much as they do. I'm coming to realize that I don't trust Him as I should. There are conditions on my trust. I have to understand to trust. I have to know the plan to trust. I need to have at least a small sense of control to trust. But then, that isn't really trusting, is it? I need to make the theory reality for myself. So I say today, “I have put my trust in God. It is a done deal for me, now. No more theories. It is reality for me. Lord, just remind me of that tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...”

Wait... I think I know what it means to wait. I've waited for appointments at doctors offices, in lines at stores and for the traffic light to change. I've waited for my kids to get ready, for my husband to finish a game, and for the sermon to be over so I can go to lunch. I've waited for a movie to start, for dinner to be done, for bed time to finally get here. I'm familiar with waiting. It seems like I've been waiting all my life. But waiting on the Lord? Now that is a challenge. I thought I knew what it meant to wait on God. You know those awesome times in God's presence that no one knows what to say or do? You just wait for what God is going to do next. But is that really waiting or is that expectancy? What does it mean to wait on the Lord. David talks a lot about waiting for God. It seems like most of the time he said he needed to wait he was facing desperate times. I think I found that place this week.

It has been a hard week. You know the saying “when it rains it pours”? Yeah, it has been one of those weeks. I won't got into all the details, but lets just suffice it to say we have had MAJOR issues to deal with this week and this morning I got to a desperate place. You see I am normally of the mind set “let me throw my fit and then I can deal with this like I should”. You ever been there? You just really need to throw a good old-fashioned conniption fit. (for those of you not from the South that is a really big tantrum). I think that is an ok place to be, and I've done it a lot, but this morning...this morning I couldn't even throw a fit. I had just had to much. I couldn't talk, I couldn't think, I didn't know what to do. And in that moment I knew I had to wait... Not wait for my words to return or even my good sense, but it was time to WAIT on the Lord, so that is what I did. I sat and I waited. Nothing major happened. But slowly I heard Him speaking. I heard Him say that He was with me, and that when things seem to be falling apart...there is purpose in the madness. He didn't solve my problems, but He gave me what I needed to face them. It makes you think...”Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!” (Psalm 27:3) Humm. I think I am beginning to know what that means. I just hope next time I can decide to wait on Him a lot sooner. Why did I wait until I had no other option? Why do I wait for everything else but God? It is a good question. I don't want to know the answer, I want to change the answer. This is what I should do, “My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.” (Psalm 62:5, emphasis added).

I love that verse for many reasons, but I think my favorite is... he is talking to himself! He is telling his own soul to wait, don't react, wait. I love that. If you read the chapter you will find he tells himself to wait more than once. I think that is the boat I am in. I need to just keep telling myself to wait. Wait, wait, and keep waiting...for God alone.

Signs follow where God is working.

A simple statement, but a loaded meaning. It is true? I have always hesitated to put it that simply. We just don't see much in the way of signs and wonders these days. And to be honest when we do, our first instinct is to not believe or make fun. I mean look at the Brownsville Revival that happened in the 90's. God was at work, but those people were criticized and made fun of. So many doubted it was of God...but people were changed and healed, and miracles happened there. Why do we doubt? Why is the church so surprised when God actually does something?

I got an email from a friend this week that I would like to share with you. I heard a rumor about his Sun. night service and asked him about it. This was his response:

“It’s true Misty. I had finished preaching and really didn’t give an alter invitation. The night before I had preached on the official duty of the church to rescue people from behind the gates of hell who were waiting to slip into eternity lost forever. So, the next night I had people doing just that. They were praying for each other…and it was loud and fervent prayer across the sanctuary. Well, one guy comes up to me and throws his cigarettes on the altar. Bear in mind, I didn’t solicit for anyone to come forward, he just did it. He said he led praise and worship somewhere and now God wanted him free. Not 30 seconds later, a teenage girl comes forward and says she’s been doing drugs and she told me that tonight was her night to be free. We prayed and she had her first experience with God right there on the spot. Then someone led me to the side of the church on the front row. There the teenagers mother was sitting crying. She said she wanted to be saved and was involved in the Jehovah’s Witness cult. I started leading her in prayer and asked her to pray after me. “Jesus, you are Lord.” As she started to pray she started hyperventilating. I tried again. She did the same thing. I recognized that this was a demonic spirit, so I told her to be calm and not say a word right now that I would pray for her first. I just said a simple prayer, “Lord fill this room with your total presence and banish any hindering forces from this place.” There was no fighting or foaming at the mouth… She just went limp, laid back, relaxed and could breath. I immediately had her pray after me and she prayed to receive Christ and confess him as Lord. Afterward, I had her lay her hands on her daughter, the teen who wanted to be free from drugs. She did so and pronounced a mothers blessing over her child for the first time ever. That’s when it happened. A woman seated just about in the center of the sanctuary screamed “I can see. I can see.” I walked over to see what was going on and a blind lady who had been attending our church for years was able to see. She followed me around the sanctuary and even gave me her red/white walking cane. She said that she would not be needing this any longer. What’s hilarious is I saw her yesterday morning going into the Ophthalmologists’ office. She walked in just like you or I would walk in. I told Tammie afterward that I bet she is going to get cleared to get her driver’s license.

Misty, these are things we have believed for our whole lives. Yet, we failed to see them because no one really has seen the church be the church in a long long time. Part of my passion is to see the church alive, healthy and doing God’s work in the earth. Signs follow where God is working.”

What is your first reaction to that? Are you cynical? If you are maybe that is the reason we don't see more of this stuff. Do we really believe God? Jesus said in John 14:12 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to my Father.” I have heard people say that this verse refers to us being able to take the gospel everywhere through technology they didn't have then, but...the verse says greater “works.” So what works did Jesus do? He ministered to people, rescued them, delivered them, healed them, changed them. He didn't just pray and walk away without something happening. I think a better way to put it is: He didn't walk away, He prayed and something happened. I wonder if God isn't moving because His people don't believe...and don't pray. I can't remember ever walking up to someone who couldn't walk and telling them to get up, but that is what Jesus did... and his disciples... and Paul. I think the best thing for me to do right now is pray this prayer (Acts 4: 29b-30)


“grant to Your servants that with all boldness they may speak Your word, by stretching out Your hand to heal, and that signs and wonders may be done through the name of Your holy Servant Jesus.”


Let it be so for me, In Jesus Name...
Amen!

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. Honestly I've been feeling very guilty about my relationship with God. I don't pray enough, I don't read my bible enough, I don't spend enough time alone with the Lord. Like I said...very guilty. I see people who say they get up at 5:00 am just to spend time with God, and all I can say is; “Really?! 5 AM!?” Then the guilt comes again. I am NOT a morning person. I know a lot of people say that, but honestly if I get up to early I feel nauseous. I guess a more honest way to say that is if I don't get enough sleep, I feel nauseous. I hear all these people talk about spending hours in the word. I don't have the attention span for that. I go cross-eyed after a while. And as far as being alone with the Lord...I can't even go to the bathroom without someone knocking on the door.

So how does a relationship with God work for me (or you)? That is the question that is on my mind these days.

I started thinking about the relationships I have in my life to get clues. My mom and dad live 1 ½ away. I see them more now than I used to, but I still only talk to them about once every other week or so, and our relationship is fine. I love them they love me, we enjoy each other when we are together. I don't see anything wrong with that, but I do miss them sometimes. My best friend lives in 3 ½ hours away. I only see her once a month or so. Sometimes we talk everyday, and sometimes we go a week or more without talking. But I always want to talk to her. I don't see anything wrong with that either. Coming a little closer home...I LOVE my husband. There are times that we spend hours talking about nothing. There are also times that life is so busy that we barely say “ Good morning, goodbye. I love you, good night” in a day. I really don't like those times. I much prefer the times we spend talking, mostly, sometimes I don't want to talk.

So how does it translate? Here are things I notice...

1.I don't have rules in my closest relationships. I spend time with them when I want to, and because I WANT to...not because I make myself.
2.Sometimes I don't have time or energy for relational things, and everyone understands that.
3.When I don't have the time...I miss those people, and I want to spend more time with them.
4.These people make my life full. They make me laugh and are there for me when I cry. I share my life with them.

What I am learning is that God wants us to be in true relationship with Him. He wants us to share our lives with Him. He wants a relationship that is real. Not one founded on a sense of obligation or rule following, or even commitment, but one founded on desire for fellowship. God wants to be a part of our lives...not as a supervisor whose rules you follow, but as a friend who you include and share with. And He wants us to spend more time with Him, not because we feel guilty, but because we want to.

The funny thing is: the more I learn about Him and His desire for relationship with me, the more I genuinely want to spend more time with Him. And those times that are so busy... I miss Him terribly. I think that is the natural cycle of things. God is pretty smart, you know. He set us up. When we miss Him we want more, when we get more, we want even more. Sometimes we may get to a time that life is busy and we miss Him again...but then we want more.

If getting up at 5am works for you, great! But if it doesn't, don't feel guilty. It is your relationship with God and it is up to you and God to live it out. Just don't allow those times of busy-ness to separate you for too long. Any relationship can grow stagnant with a lack of communication.