dancing through the maze

Ever have a clogged drain...maybe not completely clogged, but one that the water runs so slowly down that all the icky stuff gets left on the sides of the sink? I think that was me.

The last 8 months or so have been...we’ll go with challenging. I’ve faced things that I never thought I would face. I’ve had to be someone I never thought I would be. I’ve had to manage situations and emotions I never thought I would have to manage. I know I’m speaking in code. I’ll go into all the details at a later date. Point being, I sucked it up and prayerfully dealt with the blows life was landing on me. I sucked it up to the point of being a yucky clogged drain. The water and the Spirit still moved through me but at such a sluggish pace that I ended up with all the nasty stuff clinging to me. It was not a fun place to be.

So last week Adam and I went to a conference. Not just any conference, but re:create, the conference for creative people that invests in the people not just their craft. It is the best conference EVER (if you’re like me). I started the conference like a sluggish drain after a long night. The water had made its way down but all the ickies remained stuck to the sides. Then it happened: spiritual draino. Through the music, the worship, the people, and the spirit of God in that place my drain got dramatically unclogged. Water in the form of tears flowed and washed away all the yuck of life that had been sticking to me. It would say it was a time of refreshing but that isn’t right. Refreshing is tubing slowly down a river. I was washed away in the current of a broken dam and I relished it. I needed every moment of not being in control of my emotions, of my schedule, of my life.

It was in the beauty of not being in control that I realized this is what life is supposed to look like. Not in the sense that I let someone else dictate how I spend my time every day, but that I let go of my need to be in control, and let God do it. I need to stop waiting until the drain is clogged and gunk is sticking to me to let go of what I can’t do anything about anyway. I need to not only take the time to rest in my Father’s arms (because I had done that) I need to leave my burden at his feet when I leave and not pick it up again. I need to not let my drain get bogged down with all the craziness of life. I need to let the refreshing happen constantly so maybe I won’t need the broken dam.

It took 4 days of crying to flush my system of all the gunk. 4 days worth of stuff I had held on to. 4 days worth mess I had to let go of. I am so grateful for that 4 days. I’m grateful for the broken dam and the unclogged drain. I’m grateful to feel alive in God again, instead of spiritually sluggish. I'm grateful for a renewed fullness of life and the freedom flow again...

So... it has been a while since I have posted anything. I guess life got in the way for a while. But I think it is time I started sharing my thoughts again, whether or not anyone reads them. Writing is cathartic for me. It makes me put my rambling thoughts in logical order. It helps me hear God's voice and understand His words...so here we go again.

On that day, when evening came, He said to them, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd, they took Him along with them in the boat, just as He was; and other boats were with Him. And there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Hush, be still.” And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” --Mark 4: 35-40 NASV

This is a very familiar story to those of us who have been in church for a while. If you grew up like I did you learned it in the King James, "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still." I remember being in Sunday school hearing this story and thinking about how cool Jesus was that He could tell a storm to chill out and it would. I remember hearing sermons on this story and how Jesus can speak peace to any storm. I also remember the song "Peacespeaker" I wonder how many of you can sing it with me..."I know the Peacespeaker, I know Him by my name. I know the Peacespeaker, He controls the winds and waves. When He says 'peace, be still', they have in obey I´m glad I know the Peacespeaker, yes I know Him by name."

The funny thing is I've heard this story almost all of my life, but I think I've missunderstood the point. Jesus said, "Peace I give to you, My peace I leave with you" (John 14:27a NASV emphasis added). I wonder what His peace is? I wonder if it is the ability to calm the waves and wind, or is it the ability to sleep through the storm?

I think a lot of time we want to use Jesus as our "get out of storm free" card. We want the "Peacespeaker" to calm the storm. We want an easy out. But I don't think that was what He meant. He calmed the storm for those around him, but HIS peace had Him sleeping, resting, and unworried about the storm around him. I think that is the kind of peace He left with us.

The last 4 years have brought a lot of storms and challenges to my family. There are many times I was praying "Just get me out of this!!! Come on, 'Peace, be still' already!" I don't think that is necessarily the wrong thing to pray. I just think we have to be ready to receive His peace through the storm instead of only expecting Him to get us out of the storm. Food for thought. :)

The other night I was reading my bible and something really jumped out at me. I was reading in Psalms, just trying to focus my thoughts before turning out the light to go to sleep. Just reading along and then “Whoa . . .” I was reading out of the New Living Translation, not my usual bible. I knew I would probably see new things with a new translation, but nothing like this. I have read Psalm 37 many times. Psalms is my favorite book of the Bible, just because I can relate so well to so many of them. So reading this chapter was kind of my lullaby, until I grazed over verses 23 and 24.

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

At first, it didn't register. I just kept reading then it hit me, “wait, what did that say?” So I read it again. “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

Whoa. . .

Every detail. Every detail! Every detail? I couldn't quite comprehend it. I flipped back through memories of some details I was pretty sure He didn't delight in. But the bible said every detail. And then it all made sense. The next verse set it all straight. “Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

Those stumbles, those remembered details that I knew he couldn't possibly delight in, He was there in those times, holding my hand. I remembered the other week. My son had done something that he was not proud of and, when he realized it, he went to pieces. Now, I fully disapproved of his behavior. I was even a little angry with him to be honest, but I held him as he cried. He was upset and he turned to me. And at that moment I was able to take joy from the simple fact that I was holding him. The reason I got to hold him didn't really matter, I just enjoyed having him in my arms, and we dealt with the issue later.

I wonder if that is how it is for God. He is able to delight in every detail because he loves us. Even the stumbles, the things that we are not proud of He delights in those because He gets to hold our hand and help us through. It brings to mind 2 Corinthians 12:9 (New Living Translation) Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. Amen.

Something else sticks out to me. It first talks about our steps being directed by God and then speaks of stumbling. Humm. The order does make you think . . .

Wait... I think I know what it means to wait. I've waited for appointments at doctors offices, in lines at stores and for the traffic light to change. I've waited for my kids to get ready, for my husband to finish a game, and for the sermon to be over so I can go to lunch. I've waited for a movie to start, for dinner to be done, for bed time to finally get here. I'm familiar with waiting. It seems like I've been waiting all my life. But waiting on the Lord? Now that is a challenge. I thought I knew what it meant to wait on God. You know those awesome times in God's presence that no one knows what to say or do? You just wait for what God is going to do next. But is that really waiting or is that expectancy? What does it mean to wait on the Lord. David talks a lot about waiting for God. It seems like most of the time he said he needed to wait he was facing desperate times. I think I found that place this week.

It has been a hard week. You know the saying “when it rains it pours”? Yeah, it has been one of those weeks. I won't got into all the details, but lets just suffice it to say we have had MAJOR issues to deal with this week and this morning I got to a desperate place. You see I am normally of the mind set “let me throw my fit and then I can deal with this like I should”. You ever been there? You just really need to throw a good old-fashioned conniption fit. (for those of you not from the South that is a really big tantrum). I think that is an ok place to be, and I've done it a lot, but this morning...this morning I couldn't even throw a fit. I had just had to much. I couldn't talk, I couldn't think, I didn't know what to do. And in that moment I knew I had to wait... Not wait for my words to return or even my good sense, but it was time to WAIT on the Lord, so that is what I did. I sat and I waited. Nothing major happened. But slowly I heard Him speaking. I heard Him say that He was with me, and that when things seem to be falling apart...there is purpose in the madness. He didn't solve my problems, but He gave me what I needed to face them. It makes you think...”Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!” (Psalm 27:3) Humm. I think I am beginning to know what that means. I just hope next time I can decide to wait on Him a lot sooner. Why did I wait until I had no other option? Why do I wait for everything else but God? It is a good question. I don't want to know the answer, I want to change the answer. This is what I should do, “My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.” (Psalm 62:5, emphasis added).

I love that verse for many reasons, but I think my favorite is... he is talking to himself! He is telling his own soul to wait, don't react, wait. I love that. If you read the chapter you will find he tells himself to wait more than once. I think that is the boat I am in. I need to just keep telling myself to wait. Wait, wait, and keep waiting...for God alone.

Our recent move was full of stress, as all moves are. My biggest hope was that the kids would adjust quickly. My little girl did. We have neighbors with girls her age and they became fast friends. Things weren't so easy for my son. He is a very outgoing boy and can play with just about anyone, but making an actual friend wasn't coming easy. I felt bad for him. He seemed bored and lonely, and even angry that Mercy had friends right next door. My heart was heavy and my most frequent prayer was that he would find a good friend.

Last week magic happened. Judah was playing basketball in the front yard and this boy came walking up, wanting to play. He is from two doors down and I'm not sure how we didn't meet before, but they hit it off. This was the moment I had been waiting for. They've played together almost every day since then. The funny thing is, now that things are right for Judah, things are right for me. I didn't realize how much of a burden his lonely-ness was to me until he made a friend and the burden was gone. I felt like everything became right in my world.

Because I love him I carried his burden. His sadness was my sadness, and his lack was my distress. My heart ached with the desire to make it better for him. I wished he didn't have to be affected by it at all. I wanted to take it the pain on myself.

If I feel this way about my son, how much more does Jesus feel this way about us? Matthew 11: 28 (NLT) says “ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”and 1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified Bible) says, “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns], [once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.”

So what exactly does this mean for us? It means that the same compassion I had for Judah, Jesus has for us. And the intense desire I had to take away Judah's pain and carry it all myself, Jesus has that for us, too. The difference is Jesus can do what I could not. He really can take it away. He really can give us what we seek. Try as I might I could not be the friend Judah needed, and I couldn't make him feel better until he made that friend. It was a burden he had to bear. But it doesn't have to be that way for us, because God can do it! He can solve our problems, grant us peace, give us healing, or what ever else it is we need. Or He can take away the burden of our need until it is His timing to provide. The only catch? We have to let him. The bible says we have to cast the “whole of our care, once and for all on Him.”

Is it hard to leave our burdens at his feet? You better believe it. But the fact is, the longer we carry the burden, the more likely we are to try and fix it ourselves. And we all know how that turns out.......