Crossroads. What do you do at a crossroads? Go straight? Turn right, or left? Well, I find myself just standing there, looking at my options, and wondering...”What do I do now?” You see my baby starts school in July. My kids will be in school and the need for me to be a full-time stay-at-home mom is no longer present. Now what? What do I do? Go back to school... ok, for what? Get a job? The only experience in have is in daycare... no thank you. Do I continue at home? That sounds boring. So what now?
I face this problem with many more questions floating through my head. I am in an interesting place in my spiritual journey. For the first time since I was a child I find myself not in leadership at my church. As a child I was a leader in the sense that I was steady, constant. My teachers relied on me to lead by example and shy encouragement. As I grew into a teenager I was the only one in my youth group that would take on any responsibility. I was ridiculed for be a “teacher's pet” and looked up to when the others found themselves in difficult situations. And then I decided to get married...to a minister. Well, I'm sure you know what that means. I have been a nursery director, dance team leader, choir member, praise team member, been apart of children's ministires, led and co-led small groups and prayer groups. I have just about done it all. But what I never realized was how much my relationship with God was based on the people I led. The depth of my walk was determined by my level of service. Now that has been very purposefully stripped away, and I find myself floundering.
I'm not sure how to seek God for myself alone. In recent weeks I have honestly found myself complacent. Not being pushed into my relationship by the necessities of leadership, I have lost a hold on the passion that I had. I feel off-balance and aimless in my walk which makes facing this crossroads even more unsettling. So where does that leave me (besides wanting your prayers)? The truth is: I don't know. But somehow after my recent struggles with trust I find myself ok with this. I think I trust Him to lead me through. The key for me is the “on my own” part. I have to learn that while my life should be about leading other into greater knowledge of Him, my relationship with Him shouldn't be based on what others need. My relationship is based on my love for Him. So when it all boils down to the most basic question, I am left with this: How much do I truly love Him? That is where my thoughts and prayers will center this week.
I face this problem with many more questions floating through my head. I am in an interesting place in my spiritual journey. For the first time since I was a child I find myself not in leadership at my church. As a child I was a leader in the sense that I was steady, constant. My teachers relied on me to lead by example and shy encouragement. As I grew into a teenager I was the only one in my youth group that would take on any responsibility. I was ridiculed for be a “teacher's pet” and looked up to when the others found themselves in difficult situations. And then I decided to get married...to a minister. Well, I'm sure you know what that means. I have been a nursery director, dance team leader, choir member, praise team member, been apart of children's ministires, led and co-led small groups and prayer groups. I have just about done it all. But what I never realized was how much my relationship with God was based on the people I led. The depth of my walk was determined by my level of service. Now that has been very purposefully stripped away, and I find myself floundering.
I'm not sure how to seek God for myself alone. In recent weeks I have honestly found myself complacent. Not being pushed into my relationship by the necessities of leadership, I have lost a hold on the passion that I had. I feel off-balance and aimless in my walk which makes facing this crossroads even more unsettling. So where does that leave me (besides wanting your prayers)? The truth is: I don't know. But somehow after my recent struggles with trust I find myself ok with this. I think I trust Him to lead me through. The key for me is the “on my own” part. I have to learn that while my life should be about leading other into greater knowledge of Him, my relationship with Him shouldn't be based on what others need. My relationship is based on my love for Him. So when it all boils down to the most basic question, I am left with this: How much do I truly love Him? That is where my thoughts and prayers will center this week.
