dancing through the maze

Right now, I am angry. Maybe angry is not the word. MAD!!! That's it!! I am good old-fashioned, southern-style SPITTIN' MAD!!! I am so mad I have heartburn. There is a situation that I have been following in the news. In a town near me an eighth grade science class got into an intense discussion about evolution verses creation. There were a few brave students who were willing to stand up and talk about what they believe in. I don't know their names but I am so proud of them. Well, these or this (I honestly don't know) student(s) decided to anonymously leave a bible on this teachers desk as a Christmas present. Again, I am very proud. This is where the story goes a little crazy. The teacher then proceeds to go on Facebook and call this action “a hate-crime” and say that this “crime would not go unpunished.”

There are a few points I want to make before I continue the story:

1. When did it become a “crime” in America to share your faith? Well, so far it hasn't, but this incident is a very shaky step in that direction. I can see very clearly how easy it would be for this teacher and others like to her start lobbying congress. In Ted Dekker's book Sinner, he creates a not too distant future where congress has passed a “Tolerance Act” saying that you can believe anything you want, but sharing your beliefs with someone who doesn't believe them is not tolerant and therefore a hate-crime. I know it is fiction, but we are close, and could get there so easily.
2. At some point people who believe in creation or “intelligent design” (as the scientific community is calling it now) need to stand up and demand that schools start recognizing it as a valid theory. You see, that's all evolution is, a theory. It has NEVER been proven. It has become the accepted theory on life, but it is not the only theory with scientific proof. Did you know there are many top scientists that believe in intelligent design, and many of these are not Christians. They just see things on the cellular level that are too complex to believe any kind of coincidence lead to them. Honestly if you study evolution, it takes a lot more faith to believe in the outrageous coincidences they say lead to life than to believe someone created it.

Now for the rest of the story. When kids, then parents, and finally the school board saw these comments the decided to suspend the teacher. . . with pay. Now let me get this straight she threatens a student (“This crime will not go unpunished”), and she gets a paid vacation. Yeah, that sounds about right. AREYOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! Well, I got a hold of myself after that. I understand that there had to be a investigation, and she was innocent until proven guilty of any wrong-doing. It would be unfair to her if it turned out she did nothing wrong and had to lose 3 months pay. I talked myself down from that one.

Then I watched the news this morning. I promise I'm trying to stay calm. The school board decided to remove her from the classroom and make her district coordinator for middle-school science instruction. That sounds nice doesn't it? She was removed from the classroom. . . and PROMOTED!!!! My husband didn't catch it the first time. We had to rewind it for him to hear it. He heard the “removed” part, but didn't catch the fact the she was moved from a local position to a district position.. She is now not just over the science education of eight grade students of one school but all middle-schoolers in the county! Her resume is going to read for x amount of years I was an eight grade science teacher then I was District Coordinator for Middle-School Science Instruction. Yep, that is definitely a promotion. SHE GOT A PAID VACATION AND A PROMOTION FOR THREATING A STUDENT! Can you scream it with me? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!

Isn't it a relief to know that not only do our kids have to stand up and face ridicule for their religious and scientifically plausible beliefs, but that the people who ridicule them will be promoted? (I'm sure you get the sarcasm dripping from this remark.) Our beliefs about evolution and creation/intelligent design aside, this was wrong. No teacher should be promoted for ridiculing and threatening a child. No matter the subject behind it this should never happen!

I was in church a couple weeks ago listening to a guest speaker as he was reading his passage out of The Message (a bible paraphrase). I'm not normally a Message fan, it just doesn't usually resonate with me, but then he read these words. . .

“We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in ?Him and finds its purpose in Him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, He organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body. He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—He is supreme in the end. From beginning to end He's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is He, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in Him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of His death, His blood that poured down from the cross.” -Colossians 1:15-20

I have to tell you the imagery took me for a ride. I'm not real sure what else he said because I meditated on these words. I'll share with you what stuck in my head. “all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies.” This phrase has carried me on a journey since that morning.

To put things in the proper perspective let me tell you a story. I was in eighth grade and part of my jr. high's choral group. I loved singing and this was without a doubt my favorite class. The thing about choral groups is in many cases you never really get the hear what the whole group sounds like together. The sopranos stand with the sopranos and sing their part, as do the altos and tenors. You are surrounded by those doing what you do so you never get hear all the parts together in harmony. In the spring of that year we went to an amusement park for a regional competition. We did well and ended up getting the highest mark you could receive: a superior. We were all excited, and jumped and shouted like a group of 7th-9th graders should. Then it was time to go home and this is the part I will never forget. Our director let us each take turns listening to the performance, and when I heard it I was amazed. I never realized we sounded like that. The harmonies were spot on and in perfect balance and the songs were done so well that I couldn't believe it was us. I couldn't believe my small insecure voice had a part in anything so complete, so beautiful.

And that brings me back to these verses. So many times I feel like what I do is small and insignificant. And to be honest, most of the time I don't feel qualified for even those small insignificant tasks God has for me. A friend told me the other day, “Sometimes I wonder why in the world He has laid things on my heart to do, when I know there are better people to handle them than me. I do not get it at all. . . Other people would not have the distractions I have, and would get things done better.” So I know that I am not the only one. The thing is, if I wasn't there for that competition, the soprano part wouldn't have been as strong, and the harmonies wouldn't have been in such perfect balance. Yes, there were much better singers than me in the group, but what mattered was how the group sounded as a whole. Sometimes I do feel “broken and dislocated” but God has fixed me the this spot and fit me for it and it for me. I don't have to know the whys and what fors, I just have to look forward to the time when I can hear the complete harmony and know I played a part in some vibrantly beautiful.

Being a parent terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I want so much for them. I want them to grow to be more than Adam and I ever dreamed to be. They have that potential. I see it everyday, how great they could be. There is just one major hitch in the giddy-up. That would be the fact that I am their mother.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see myself for what I truly am. A big fat mess. I look at my life and the mistakes I have made. I look at the things I've struggled with, still struggle with and I think, “I am going to screw these kids up!” I mean, how do I make them to say no to temptations that I didn't say no to? How do I teach them to make the smart decisions that I didn't make? How do I guard them without suffocating them? How do I make them strong enough that they influence their world and not the other way around? How do I teach them the life-tools they need when I am still learning them myself?

The fact of the matter is: I have no earthly clue what I'm doing. I think we all feel that way. We must, because there certainly are enough parenting books and seminars out there. I do feel a little more confident with my youngest. At least I have had a child before so I have worked out some of the kinks. My poor son is just an experiment. I hope he doesn't feel that way, but I do. But whatever confidence I had in myself has been shaken, recently. A very good kid I know made an extremely poor choice and is now facing some pretty drastic consequences. I don't want that for my kids. But what makes the difference? This was a great kid who has been taught well, how am I supposed to equip my kids any better? The truth is I don't know if I can. There. I said it. The question is: what does that leave me with?

The simple answer is trust. Trust in God that He will keep my children. That He will speak wisdom and perseverance to their hearts in times of trials and temptation. Trust in myself, that one is a doozie. I must learn to trust myself to make good parenting choices, and when I don't know what to do, trust God that much more that He will guide me. And finally, trust my kids. I have to trust them to make the right choices. And then if they don't, I have to trust God (again) to get us through the tough times, and to use everything for our good.

It sure seems like trusting God is the major point. If I trust Him in all of this, then everything will be just fine. . . sigh.


***I would like to recommend a book to all my mom friends out there. Praying the Scriptures For Your Children by Jodi Berndt is my favorite parenting book. It is full of the ways you can pray for your kids, many stories of how prayer really works, and at the end of every chapter there are bible verses you pray with blanks for you to plug in your kids' names. I have even used these to pray for myself and others as well as having the kids pray for themselves. It is a truly great resource!

Most of the time I blame my son's behavior on my husband. I've said many times that Judah is just another Adam. He does things that confuse me, and don't make sense to me, and just plain aggravate the mess out of me. And that is ALL Adam's genes coming through. People often say that the child that is more like you is more of a challenge. Well, I have disagreed with that for a while now. I have said that because Mercy is more like me, I understand her and know what to do with her. Judah is just this unknown entity to me. Well, the other day Judah was doing something that was really driving me up the wall and it hit me. I used to do that. It wasn't exactly the same, it came across in a more masculine form, but it was the same thing. This was my fault. This was my genetic material shining through and driving me crazy. I began to look at things a little differently then. I began to ask myself questions like, when I was a kid what would have helped me in this situation, and guess what? It helps him. I was staggered. I had been so busy blaming my husband for certain things about my son, that I couldn't see myself in it. That got me wondering. . . where else am I blaming others for my faults?

When I lose my temper, I might say, “well, (s)he made me mad!) The reality is no matter what they did it isn't their fault I can't control myself.

When I call a guy a name when he just cut me off in traffic, I say, “its their fault! They are driving like a maniac!” When the truth is my tongue and what comes out of my mouth are my business.

When I blame Adam and the kids for not keeping the house orderly, I never take the time too see my things laying around as well. Maybe I need to set a better example.

When I blame others for taking advantage of me, maybe I need to stop allowing them to do it.

When I blame others for not seeing my side of things maybe I need to take a minute to see theirs.

When I blame other for my problems maybe I need to take an honest look in the mirror and re-evaluate.

We are all so fast to blame everyone else for everything we don't like. It is very rare that any of us takes the time to really look at a situation and see our own fault in it. We don't want to accept how much of what goes wrong can be traced right back to ourselves. The thing is when we truly see where the problem is we can really begin to work on a solution. If I hadn't taken the time to see my faults in my son I never would have found a way to help him deal with it. If I had continued to play the blame game it would have been my son who suffered the consequences not me or my husband. I wonder how many people suffer because we blame everyone else but ourselves. Food for thought. . .