dancing through the maze

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. Honestly I've been feeling very guilty about my relationship with God. I don't pray enough, I don't read my bible enough, I don't spend enough time alone with the Lord. Like I said...very guilty. I see people who say they get up at 5:00 am just to spend time with God, and all I can say is; “Really?! 5 AM!?” Then the guilt comes again. I am NOT a morning person. I know a lot of people say that, but honestly if I get up to early I feel nauseous. I guess a more honest way to say that is if I don't get enough sleep, I feel nauseous. I hear all these people talk about spending hours in the word. I don't have the attention span for that. I go cross-eyed after a while. And as far as being alone with the Lord...I can't even go to the bathroom without someone knocking on the door.

So how does a relationship with God work for me (or you)? That is the question that is on my mind these days.

I started thinking about the relationships I have in my life to get clues. My mom and dad live 1 ½ away. I see them more now than I used to, but I still only talk to them about once every other week or so, and our relationship is fine. I love them they love me, we enjoy each other when we are together. I don't see anything wrong with that, but I do miss them sometimes. My best friend lives in 3 ½ hours away. I only see her once a month or so. Sometimes we talk everyday, and sometimes we go a week or more without talking. But I always want to talk to her. I don't see anything wrong with that either. Coming a little closer home...I LOVE my husband. There are times that we spend hours talking about nothing. There are also times that life is so busy that we barely say “ Good morning, goodbye. I love you, good night” in a day. I really don't like those times. I much prefer the times we spend talking, mostly, sometimes I don't want to talk.

So how does it translate? Here are things I notice...

1.I don't have rules in my closest relationships. I spend time with them when I want to, and because I WANT to...not because I make myself.
2.Sometimes I don't have time or energy for relational things, and everyone understands that.
3.When I don't have the time...I miss those people, and I want to spend more time with them.
4.These people make my life full. They make me laugh and are there for me when I cry. I share my life with them.

What I am learning is that God wants us to be in true relationship with Him. He wants us to share our lives with Him. He wants a relationship that is real. Not one founded on a sense of obligation or rule following, or even commitment, but one founded on desire for fellowship. God wants to be a part of our lives...not as a supervisor whose rules you follow, but as a friend who you include and share with. And He wants us to spend more time with Him, not because we feel guilty, but because we want to.

The funny thing is: the more I learn about Him and His desire for relationship with me, the more I genuinely want to spend more time with Him. And those times that are so busy... I miss Him terribly. I think that is the natural cycle of things. God is pretty smart, you know. He set us up. When we miss Him we want more, when we get more, we want even more. Sometimes we may get to a time that life is busy and we miss Him again...but then we want more.

If getting up at 5am works for you, great! But if it doesn't, don't feel guilty. It is your relationship with God and it is up to you and God to live it out. Just don't allow those times of busy-ness to separate you for too long. Any relationship can grow stagnant with a lack of communication.

This week has been a doozie. We went away for the weekend. Packing for four is never fun. We spent the weekend back in Chesapeake which was a fun, but emotional experience. Adam sprained his foot so I have had to wait on him. I had no help doing anything with the kids because Adam was incapacitated. Judah is home for the next 3 weeks on break so I am trying to find ways to keep him occupied. I then found out that because Adam couldn't drive I had to take him to Fayetteville to catch a ride to a conference he was supposed to go to. I had to rush to get laundry and more packing done so we could make that trip. So, Tuesday night I was laying in bed after midnight trying to do my bible study stuff for my Wed group, and I was tired. I was really enjoying the study material, but I had to put it down. I needed rest.

I turned off the light to go to sleep and that is when it happened. I became completely overwhelmed... not with the pressures of my week, but by God's love. I laid in bed and cried before the Lord thanking Him for his presence, and for being with me as I needed Him. It was an incredible experience. It didn't last long...maybe five minutes, but it renewed me, and I slept in the peace of the Lord and woke in the best mood I had been in...in a while. My bible study girls were probably wondering why I was humming and acting silly. I can honestly say it was that short, but wonderful encounter with God that changed me.

As I look back on that, just a few days later I can't help but wonder what made that night different than so many others. So many nights that I laid in bed exhausted by my circumstances, and it seemed God wasn't there. I know He is always there, but what made Him so real to me Tuesday night?

I really think it was the softness of my heart on that night. I had just re-read The Shack by William P. Young...that softened my heart and then my study material softened it even more. I was in a place where I was quiet enough I could hear His whisper. A lot of times we let our lives just drown out God's voice. We get so exhausted by our circumstances that we are to tired to take the time listen, but He is always there...waiting to renew our strength.

Folks, God is REAL. He isn't just some religious figure head we can cling to. His word is true. It isn't some history book filled with poetry and metaphors. He and His word are so much more. They are real! And they can be real to us in our every day lives. We so often get caught up in the day-to-day and forget to listen. We can get frustrated and even angry with God wondering where He is...but He is there all the time speaking to our hearts. The question is: are our hearts soft enough to listen? Or have they been hardened by life and schedule and exhaustion? The bigger question to me is how do we soften our hearts daily so we can hear Him? I think that is a question we all have to answer for ourselves, and I think the answer changes from time to time. Usually praise and worship music is what gets me to that point, but the other night it was His word. He has many ways to speak...we just have to find one way to listen....

As christians we go through times of struggle and suffering. It is just a fact. A lot of times people ask (myself included) if God is on my side why did “this” happen? Whatever your “this” is I'm sure you feel in some way like you should have been protected from it. But God knows the end of a thing from the beginning. He sees what we can't. The closest I have ever come to making sense of it all is this simple story...

My son was 3. He got strep throat all the time, and he snored...loudly. His pediatrician said he had a child's version of sleep apnea. We went to an ENT and he said Judah's tonsils and adenoids had to come out. So my little boy had surgery and when we were called back to his recovery room I could hear him screaming from down the hall. We I got to his room he was standing on the bed jumping up and down holding his throat and crying his eyes out. I grabbed him and held him and felt awful that he hurt so bad. The worst of it was knowing that I allowed him to go through this pain. I felt so guilty, but I knew that this short time of pain would result in a better life for my baby. Nights of peaceful rest, no more sore throats...a completely different life, because he went through this. You see I could see the end from the beginning and the middle and the end. I got him calmed down and I kept telling him I know it hurts, but it is going to make things so much better.

I think God does that with us. We stand there kicking and screaming saying it hurts...make it STOP! But our loving Father, with the end in sight, says, “I know, but things are going to be so much better, when the pain is over.” But we don't listen often enough and sometimes we just stand there holding on to our pain, wondering why, why, why. I think if we could see past our pain we would see a Father waiting to soothe our wounds and help us through until the end. I was able to help Judah. I calmed him and gave him comfort until the pain was over. And I was there watching as he slept without trouble and went through a winter without strep. The end was here, and if he could remember it all, I think he would be grateful for that short time of pain because it has already made such a difference in his life.

The best thing I can tell you is if you are going through a time of pain, take comfort now in God's love and know that when it is over....