dancing through the maze

So my husband had the talk with my eight-year-old. Well, not THAT talk, the Santa talk. I really didn't want this to happen. He is my baby and I wasn't ready for it. I can't think of a bigger sign that childhood is passing than no longer believing in Santa. It made me so sad, but we had to make a decision concerning him. Knowing his disposition we knew that one of us needed to be the one to tell him. He is exactly the kind of kid that would either get in a fight defending Santa and cry for days if he found out in an uncontrolled way. The other problem was the whole, nothing is impossible for Santa but some things are impossible for mom and dad's bank account, thing. So I finally gave in and let Adam have the talk with Judah. I was expecting tears and hysterics, but boy was I wrong. The end of the conversation went something like this:

Judah: So you bought me my DS?
Adam: Yeah. You ok with that?
Judah: You and mom took money out of your bank account to buy me things so I would believe in Santa. Yeah, I think I'm ok with that.

And that was it. What surprised me so much was not just the lack of drama, sadness and disappointment, but the sense of gratitude that came across in his words. The “you did that for me?” attitude that he had, amazed me. And I was grateful for the gift my son is to me.

In the days since then I have been thinking a lot about believing in illusions. In today's busy world it is easy to do that. We use credit cards to over spend, pretending we have money we don't. We work our job and rely on our talents and abilities to keep those jobs and provide for our families. We count on friends and loved ones to provide us support and advice in difficult times and in simple decisions. Self-sufficiency becomes our Santa. We believe whole-heartedly in that illusion, and trust that it will not disappoint.

I think maybe it is time for us, as Christians, to grow up a little. We need to truly realize the source of our blessings. The Bible says that God is our provider, that He will supply our needs (Phil. 4:19), and that every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James 1:17). Everything I have and every moment I live is a direct result of God and His goodness to me. How can we think of Jesus in the fullness of everything He did and not say, “Wow! You did that for me?”

What strikes me is, Judah didn't say “thank you” to us, but just him acknowledging where the gifts came from made me feel like he was grateful. So let's make that the focus of our Christmas this year. Let's just acknowledge that our blessings are from Him and not of our own doing. Let's set aside our illusion and embrace the reality. God is very good to us all!

It's been a while since my last post and I apologize for that. Life went crazy there for a little while and I'm having to adjust to some new things. Hopefully the adjustment period is over and I can get back to doing this on a more regular basis. That being said. . .

I've been thinking a lot lately about the church at large, about what happens to our brothers and sisters around the world. Adam and I have friends that run a missionary ministry to Iran. I am always sobered and thankful after a conversation with them. I hear stories of people ostracized, imprisoned and killed for their faith in Jesus. In a recent video I heard the story of two women imprisoned for their faith. On more than one occasion they have faced a judge and refused to denounce Christ, then they go back to their cells. Recently one of the three charges against them was dropped, but they could still die for their “crimes.” To make things worse, their health is failing, and they are refused medical care. So they may die in prison awaiting their trial or they may end up dying for their faith. Either way they hold their heads high and put everything on the line for Jesus.

Six years ago another woman was faced with this decision: Renounce Jesus or we will take your daughter (then three years old) away from you. That lady said she looked up saw the face of Jesus and knew she could not deny Him. She now ministers to children and hopes to some day find her daughter in that.

I walk away from these stories and wonder do I have what it takes to stare death in the face and refuse to denounce Him? Even Peter failed this test the first time (or three). I usually end up thinking that I do, but afraid that I don't. Maybe I don't and that is why God allowed me to be born here, where I don't have to face this test.

I wonder what makes me think I could face death, when I have trouble facing rejection with my friends and neighbors. I don't witness as I should. I don't speak to unbelievers about my faith as much as I could. I don't risk discomfort, so why do I think I would risk death? Christians in parts of the world put their lives on the line to share Jesus, but I won't put what social standing I may have out there for Him. I pray for Muslims around the world to come to know Jesus as savior, but I don't speak to my Muslim friend about her faith and mine.

It is very easy to put missions in a box that goes around the world. It is very easy in our society to say "someone else will do it." But the fact of the matter is the Great Commission is for all of us, weather we go to the other side of the globe or the other side of the street. So, go on missions trips, pray for those persecuted and martyred, and be willing to do a little for the Kingdom yourself, in your little part of the world.

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. (Mark 16:15)

Visit http://www.iran30.org/ and join in prayer for the church in Iran.

So all this talk about what is good and bad about worship styles and I feel like all I've done is make some people happy and others. . . not so much. So I just want to sum things up by saying this: Worship isn't about us. It is about God. Over the last few posts I've talked about why people like different things and I think I have made some valid points, but so what?

It really upsets me when I see people, young and old alike that check out just because a certain style of music is being played. You have to understand that you might not like everything, but that others like what you don't. It isn't always about what makes you happy. It is about giving glory to God, and crossing your arms and pretending to be somewhere else until you like the song that is being played gives glory to no one. And honestly it makes your love for God seem conditional. I know I'm being harsh, and trust me I would rather not be, but this needs to said. People, I have my preferences. I love a screaming guitar, bass I can feel in my bones, and rocking drums. I love music I can dance to and music I can bow on my knees to. I love to run the gambit of intensity in worship. But I know that this does not suit everyone. Two my of favorite high praise songs haven't been done in my church. I understand that it is just too much for a lot of people, and yes sometimes that can be frustrating, but that doesn't stop me from giving God my all in worship, no matter the song.

What we need to come to grips with is that we are all saying the same thing, whatever style we sing it in. Think about it for a minute. . . How Great Thou Art (hymn) & How Great Is Our God (modern) What A Friend We Have In Jesus (hymn) & What a Friend I've Found, Friend of God (modern). See? Same thing. And as long as we are saying the same thing why does it matter if we like the accompaniment? Or for that matter the volume? Or what instrument is being played? As long as we glorify God what else really matters?

So what I'm saying is: It's time to lay our preferences aside. It's time to give God what He deserves no matter the style of the song. It's time to stop worrying about musical style and “worship in spirit and in truth” no matter what song we sing. And didn't Jesus tell us to prefer our brother? And aren't we supposed to try to reach the lost. . . who typically don't appreciate hymns? And shouldn't we honor our mother and father (and their mother and father) by singing songs they like? Don't discredit anything just because you don't like it. It all has its purpose. And its purpose is to glorify God.

I guess I should continue my rant by speaking my thoughts about modern worship music. I have so many thoughts it is hard to nail down any. The problem is today's worship runs such a wide gambit of genres and styles that it can't be nailed down to a single label, like hymns. I mean, hymns are hymns. You can't say that about today's worship. There are simple repetitive songs, and deep complex songs. There are songs of desperation, and celebration. There is just so much today, and it all serves to express our own deepest yearnings, thoughts, needs, and love.

What I love about modern worship is the variety. I know there are a lot of people out there that love traditional, old, and familiar songs, but I have a hard time with that. The truth is there are a lot of songs that if I ever hear them again it will be too soon, just because they were worn out. I love the chance to not only learn something new and different, but in that to find a new way to say to God what I need to say. Today's worship is not about stating facts about God, but truly giving our hearts to Him in love, adoration and worship. I love learning new songs because in that I think about what I am singing, and I am reminded of my need of and love for God. In all honesty, when a song becomes too familiar I can sing it without thinking or feeling or meaning what is coming out of my mouth, and that is not true worship.

I love modern worship because it points my emotions in the right direction. I want to share 2 things about the way I feel about emotions and God: 1. I don't approve of over-emotional hype that just feels good, but is not truly God centered. 2. I believe God gave us our emotions because he wants us to express ourselves. God has emotions. The bible talks about Him being jealous for us, loving us, being angry even hints at frustration. God wants us to share our feelings toward him. I truly believe God's desire is not for us to stand still and sing a song we've sung a hundred times without feeling. God's desire is for us to engage in worship, to reach out to Him with our hearts, souls, spirits and yes even our bodies. God desires what is on the inside to come bubbling and overflowing out. Modern worship paves the way for that to happen for me. The words that resonate in the heart, the music that builds and subsides, the intensity of emotion released, all work to take me into God's presence. And in His presence is where He wants us, so He can pour out His love on us.

I think the thing I love the most about modern worship, is there is a constant reminder that this thing called Christianity is not a one sided conversation. It is not God did His part now we must do ours. It's not a formal service once a week. It isn't even accept Jesus and be good, follow the rules and get in heaven, the end. This is supposed to be a relationship. Today's worship is interactive, on our part and God's. I love when we sing a song and get to a point that God is in that room so strong that no more words can be said. I love it when we get to one line of a song and it is so exactly what we need to say and what God wants to hear in that moment that we repeat it until the words are truly a part of us. I love it when during a worshipful moment people truly open up and bear their hearts to God and He is there speaking right back to that heart. That is the essence of today's worship.



I think there will only be one more Worship Anyway post. Part 4 is coming and I hope in that post to bring everyone together in worship to our truly amazing God. Until next time. . .

I want to start with a subject that gets a lot of people up in arms. Hymns. That one word makes some people sigh in contentment and others cringe on the inside. I grew up singing hymns in church until I was a teenager and we moved to more contemporary worship. The truth is I love both so I hope I can speak to both sides of the issue.

To my hymn lovers:

I read a book recently about an Amish family living in today's world. I was struck by the rules they follow. Evidently each church district's leaders make the rules they have to follow. These particular people could have gas appliances, running water and a fully functioning bathroom, but no electricity. They could use telephones, but couldn't have them in their houses. They could not own or drive cars, but they could hire a reliable driver to take them places. I just found my self wondering, how do you find the cut off? How do you define what goes to far and where to draw the line? Those are the questions I want you to try to answer.

I keep thinking about how your parents probably didn't approve of Elvis or the Beatles, and their parents may not have approved of jazz or swing. But with the generations come change, and lets face it: every song, every hymn was new at some point. Some were even set to the tune of secular songs. Did you know that Luther wrote some of his songs to old pub tunes? You have to stop putting a line in the sand, saying “if I didn't sing it as a child it doesn't work for me.”

I want you to know that I know the value of something familiar. Some songs are powerful to you because wrap around you like your favorite blanket. Warm and comfy you can access His presence more easily. I get that, more than you know. But think of the people who don't feel that way about those songs. People who a turned off by just how old the song sounds. People whose warm comfy blanket is something more modern. People who also need to connect to God in a real way. Isn't it worth giving up a little comfort to provide a little comfort?

To my hymn dislikers (I didn't want to say haters even though it sounds better :))

Let me set the scene for you. You are in church enjoying praise and worship. Then the piano starts to play these old chords and you know what is about to happen. The “more mature” people get excited and start singing their hearts out while you wonder where they pulled this song from. You stand there and try to figure out the actual meaning of the song around the thee and thous. It can be a bit frustrating. But just take the time to think about it for a minute. Do you think that maybe these classic hymns have stood the test of time for a reason?

A lot of the modern worship songs carry you places. The music is intense and the lyrics make sense and can be easily related to. These songs express raw yearning and need and put people in a place to not only access God's presence but pour out our hearts before Him. But I think what a lot of modern songs miss is the depth and beauty of hymns. For example:

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

I nearly cry just reading those words, let alone singing them. This is the 3rd verse and chorus of my favorite hymn. In all honesty it may be my favorite song. What we miss today is poetry in music form. I'm not saying people don't write “deep” songs anymore, because they do, but some things are truly timeless.

I think where people do hymns a disservice is to not only tune out the beauty and meaning of the words, but avoid the sense of history and tradition that comes with singing a song that your mother, and her mother and her mother sang. To avoid the tradition in hymns would be like never again singing your favorite Christmas carols. Think of a Christmas without Silent Night or Away in a Manger. That, dear friends, is the church without hymns. It just wouldn't be the same.


Stay tuned for more on worship. . .

Worship is more than just the songs we sing, more than just what happens on Sunday morning. Worship is the life we live. It is everything that we do according to 1 Cor. 10:31 “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” But just to make things easier over the next few posts if I say worship I am referring to praise and worship music. I have become disheartened by the seemingly constant battle over how worship should be done, what songs to sing and how to sing them. Some people want high energy, intense music. Some want hymns, and some not just hymns, but they have to be done in the traditional way or they just don't count. Some want free-flow, no songs prophetic worship. Some want 3 fast songs 2 slow songs and we sit down. Some want the whole service to be worship, some just want to get it over with. I have seen and heard it all over the years, and it breaks my heart.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. About what connects us to God and why. About how we respond to Him and He to us. About what really matters in worship. I think God wants everyone to connect in no matter what that takes, but how can that be accomplished when so many people are concerned about their personal preferences? I have so much to say that it will take much of your time than I want to at once. So I'm going to break it up, and I hope over the next few posts to speak to all of you. To validate your points of view and preferences, but also that of others. I hope that you read everything and maybe see things differently than you have to this point. I hope to bring us all together at least a little bit. So until next time. . .

I have read several good books recently and watched some good movies, but I am bothered by a trend I've been experiencing. A lot of these stories have not had happy endings. The hero doesn't get the girl, or the heroine dies, or something just leaves you unsettled. I read a review of a book that criticized the author for allowing the hero and heroine to get everything they wanted out of life and have their “happily ever after.”

It leaves me wondering, what has happened to us? Why is it that we as a culture don't really believe in happy endings anymore? Has the harshness of life made us believe that they don't exist? Has the astounding divorce rate robbed us of the belief that happily ever after can happen? Have we become so cynical that happy endings seem childish and so unlikely it’s laughable? I know that suffering and pain are a part of life. I understand that we are going to face hardships, but does that mean we don't ever get the happy ending?

I have been feeling very dissatisfied with the lack of happy endings. I was actually angry with one book. It was the third in a trilogy. I had invested time and money into these books and it ended wrong! I read the authors commentary about how the story came full circle and was complete. I don't buy it. I believe in happy endings and that is what I want to read and to see. I want to see triumph over struggle. I want to see people achieve their goals and get things right in the end. I want to see people end up making the right choice, and being rewarded for it.

I started thinking, why is this so important to me? I realized that the happy ending I want to see in my books and movies is a reflection of an eternal truth in my heart. You see, for those of us who have made the right choice, the happy ending is inevitable. No matter the struggle we face or what we have to overcome in this life we have the promise of eternal life. And not only eternal life but that life with the lover of our souls. My friends, we get our “happily ever after”. The bible says God has placed eternity in the hearts of men. So I believe God has placed that desire for "happily ever after" in our hearts, because He wants to be that for us. He is our happily ever after. And that is reason to rejoice.

I think I might be getting ready to disappoint some of my friends out there. I just want to let you know in advance this might not be what you think. That being said. . .

I hear a lot of talk out there today about people in the church being fake. You know what I'm talking about. People say that the church is so fake because we all paint smiles on our faces and say we are fine when we aren't. I guess I get that to a point, but honestly it seems like people don't want us to have any privacy. And while I'm being honest it seems like sometimes those people who want us to "be real” are really just nosy. Case in point: If asked how am doing I try to be honest. But "just having and bad day" or "got a lot on my plate right now" never seems to be enough. I always get follow up questions and saying out loud "I don't want to talk about it" makes everyone uncomfortable. The fact of the matter is, not everything that goes on in my life is your business!

Let me clarify a few things for those of you who don't know me. 1: I am a very open person. There aren't many things about my life that I will shy away from talking about. 2: I am also a private person. There are some things that I want to stay between me and God, or me, God and a few close friends. 3: I am a moody person. Whether or not I want to talk about something usually depends on my mood. Sometimes, I just don't want to talk about things.

Now having said all that I have a few questions for those of you that think people are fake. 1: Are you that person's friend? 2: Jesus tells us to carry one another's burdens. . . are you ready to do that for that person? 3 : What is the real motivation behind your concern. . . do you care or are you just curious?

So, I'm going to throw some suggestions out there for those of you frustrated with the fake. The next time you ask someone how they are doing and you think there answer is fake, just pray for them with out knowing the specifics. It will help a lot more than your curiosity. Let vague honestly be enough. You can ask if they want to talk about it, but be willing to let it go if they say no. Let that person know if they need a friend you are there. Let people tell you their secrets on their own terms. Give a person their privacy, and let God deal with the rest.

Here is the deal. My husband is in full-time ministry. I understand that I live in a glass house because of that. But I never signed up to tell everyone everything. If I need help or am going through something, I tell my close friends. If you ask how I'm doing and I smile and say "fine," it might be my "church face" and it might not. You should know that "fine" doesn't mean "great," so I'm not lying. You need to consider that I have my reasons for not wanting to share everything, and you need to trust me and God to work those things out. My point is: I have a "church face” and I am comfortable with that. You need to be, too.

The other night I was reading my bible and something really jumped out at me. I was reading in Psalms, just trying to focus my thoughts before turning out the light to go to sleep. Just reading along and then “Whoa . . .” I was reading out of the New Living Translation, not my usual bible. I knew I would probably see new things with a new translation, but nothing like this. I have read Psalm 37 many times. Psalms is my favorite book of the Bible, just because I can relate so well to so many of them. So reading this chapter was kind of my lullaby, until I grazed over verses 23 and 24.

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

At first, it didn't register. I just kept reading then it hit me, “wait, what did that say?” So I read it again. “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

Whoa. . .

Every detail. Every detail! Every detail? I couldn't quite comprehend it. I flipped back through memories of some details I was pretty sure He didn't delight in. But the bible said every detail. And then it all made sense. The next verse set it all straight. “Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

Those stumbles, those remembered details that I knew he couldn't possibly delight in, He was there in those times, holding my hand. I remembered the other week. My son had done something that he was not proud of and, when he realized it, he went to pieces. Now, I fully disapproved of his behavior. I was even a little angry with him to be honest, but I held him as he cried. He was upset and he turned to me. And at that moment I was able to take joy from the simple fact that I was holding him. The reason I got to hold him didn't really matter, I just enjoyed having him in my arms, and we dealt with the issue later.

I wonder if that is how it is for God. He is able to delight in every detail because he loves us. Even the stumbles, the things that we are not proud of He delights in those because He gets to hold our hand and help us through. It brings to mind 2 Corinthians 12:9 (New Living Translation) Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. Amen.

Something else sticks out to me. It first talks about our steps being directed by God and then speaks of stumbling. Humm. The order does make you think . . .

Crossroads. What do you do at a crossroads? Go straight? Turn right, or left? Well, I find myself just standing there, looking at my options, and wondering...”What do I do now?” You see my baby starts school in July. My kids will be in school and the need for me to be a full-time stay-at-home mom is no longer present. Now what? What do I do? Go back to school... ok, for what? Get a job? The only experience in have is in daycare... no thank you. Do I continue at home? That sounds boring. So what now?

I face this problem with many more questions floating through my head. I am in an interesting place in my spiritual journey. For the first time since I was a child I find myself not in leadership at my church. As a child I was a leader in the sense that I was steady, constant. My teachers relied on me to lead by example and shy encouragement. As I grew into a teenager I was the only one in my youth group that would take on any responsibility. I was ridiculed for be a “teacher's pet” and looked up to when the others found themselves in difficult situations. And then I decided to get married...to a minister. Well, I'm sure you know what that means. I have been a nursery director, dance team leader, choir member, praise team member, been apart of children's ministires, led and co-led small groups and prayer groups. I have just about done it all. But what I never realized was how much my relationship with God was based on the people I led. The depth of my walk was determined by my level of service. Now that has been very purposefully stripped away, and I find myself floundering.

I'm not sure how to seek God for myself alone. In recent weeks I have honestly found myself complacent. Not being pushed into my relationship by the necessities of leadership, I have lost a hold on the passion that I had. I feel off-balance and aimless in my walk which makes facing this crossroads even more unsettling. So where does that leave me (besides wanting your prayers)? The truth is: I don't know. But somehow after my recent struggles with trust I find myself ok with this. I think I trust Him to lead me through. The key for me is the “on my own” part. I have to learn that while my life should be about leading other into greater knowledge of Him, my relationship with Him shouldn't be based on what others need. My relationship is based on my love for Him. So when it all boils down to the most basic question, I am left with this: How much do I truly love Him? That is where my thoughts and prayers will center this week.

You ever have your words to come back and bite you in the butt? I'm feeling that way today. I'm really down because I just found out that an old friend has cancer, and the doctor hasn't been very encouraging so far. I seem to be asking a lot of questions right now. My husband's mom has cancer, another of our friends just finished a stem cell transplant for multiple myeloma, and now this. Not to mention that another friend just got diagnosed with diabetes, my dad is having to see a specialist for his diabetic feet and my mom may need back surgery soon. What in the world is God doing...or not doing for that matter? And then my own words come back to me (from my last post). "Do I trust God or not?" Right now I'm finding it difficult. So, what to do? How do I find my trust again? I decided I need some help in that department and I found these:

Psalm 5:11-12
"But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous; with favor You will surround him as with a shield."

Job 13:15a
"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."

Job tells of a vow he has made. No matter what happens I will trust God. Psalms give us a promise, a blessing on those that trust Him. So where is that blessing in times of trouble? Why does Job have to say that he will trust even if God kills him. Why do these things happen? I don't know. I wish I had a more sufficient answer but that is the best I can do. The simple fact is: His ways are not our ways. The bible says in Isaiah 55 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” (verses 8-9).

So I guess what I am talking about is the acceptance that comes before the trust. I have to accept that I am not going to understand all the things that happen in life. In all honesty I'm going to think that a lot of things are unfair, and undeserved. I'm also going to wonder why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad. But I have to accept that I am NOT God. He is sovereign. His ways and thoughts are so very high above mine, and if I can accept that, then the trusting isn't such an issue. And if I do this, then the promise, the joy that comes in truly trusting God, will be in effect in my life.


***I wrote this yesterday, in a weak moment. I am more confident in my God today. It is like I said before...sometimes I need to throw my fit and then I can react to things as I should. Today I really do believe Jeremiah 29:11 " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " I thought it would be good for all of you to see that we all struggle with our faith at times. We really do get overwhelmed with things. And it is ok to speak our struggles to God, so He can help us face and overcome them. He is with us and here for us in times of struggle. Jesus said the Holy Spirit would be our comforter. I am resting in the arms of comfort today. :)

I was watching Twilight the other day and something struck me. Now I know you are probably thinking “Bible lessons from a vampire movie? Come on, Misty.” But seriously, this movie made me see something in myself in had never seen before. Here is the scene: Edward (very handsome tortured soul, the vampire that refuses to drink human blood) and Bella (beautiful yet clumsy girl who is not your typical dramatic teenager) have fallen in love. They are perched in the top of a tree, and Edward is sitting on a branch ready to take Bella on the ride of her life, and she is hanging on to him for dear life. Then he asks her this question, “Do you trust me?”

Now Bella knows Edward is a vampire. She knows that he could kill her. She knows that it is a constant battle for him to avoid human blood. She also knows that because of his feelings her, his desire for her blood is that much more intense. She knows all these things that should keep her away, but she doesn't care. She has told him, “I trust you, you won't hurt me.” She surrendered her life to him. But perched in the top of that tree, when he asks if she trusts him, the best answer Bella can come up with is, “in theory.”

Wow!

How many times do we find ourselves like that with God? We surrender our lives to Him. We ask His will for us. We tell Him we will follow where ever He leads. We say we trust Him. But when the rubber meets the road, we hesitate. And many times the best we can come up with is, “I trust You, Lord...in theory.”

But what do we do when faced with a situation where theory has to become reality? We are faced with a decision. Do we stop? Duck and run? Find the safe way out? Or do we choose to trust? Psalm 56:4 says, “In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?” Notice he says in God I have put my trust, not I try to, not I think I have, not I will, but I have. It is a done deal. We have to make that choice, and not back track when things seem uncertain. We have to force the theory to become reality in our lives. We have to trust. It really is that simple. Do you trust Him or not?

I know in my life I seem to have constant questions about what God is doing and why, but the real question is...do I trust Him? If I do then the answers shouldn't matter as much as they do. I'm coming to realize that I don't trust Him as I should. There are conditions on my trust. I have to understand to trust. I have to know the plan to trust. I need to have at least a small sense of control to trust. But then, that isn't really trusting, is it? I need to make the theory reality for myself. So I say today, “I have put my trust in God. It is a done deal for me, now. No more theories. It is reality for me. Lord, just remind me of that tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...”

My son discovered basketball this year. In the past Adam had tried to get Judah to watch the Tarheels with him, but Judah couldn't stay interested that long. This year it began. My kids have known from birth that we were Tarheel fans. It was in their blood, but this year it all came out for Judah. Now, those of you who know my son know that he is very...shall we say passionate. There is very little middle ground with him, so when he began to enjoy watching basketball his passion for the Heels nearly out weighed his dad's. He was even more passionate about his favorite player Tyler Hansbrough. In Judah's mind he was the best player that has ever lived.

When we moved to Raleigh in January it became Adam's mission to go to as many games as he could. He went to one with friends, took me to one, and got free tickets to 2 of the women's games. To those he took Judah and Mercy to one and his mom to the other. It was all very fun and we were all content with our basketball experience until the Tarheels made it to the finals.

Adam wanted to go so badly, but settled for watching it on our couch in HD (poor baby). Judah was completely thrilled that we let him stay up to watch the game until he realized that this was Tyler's last game as a tarheel. He didn't overreact he just got this sad look on his face and said “you mean I'll never get to see him play in person?” It made me sad, but I thought he would be able to get over it and he did.

Well, when they won Judah was thrilled, and Adam decided to check him out of school the next day to take him to the Dean Dome for the welcome home celebration. They had so much fun, Father and son, sharing a passion and celebration that might not happen again. I was so happy for them. But Judah's sad face was still on my mind so when we heard of a benefit game Tyler and the other seniors from that team were doing we bought tickets. My baby was going to see Tyler play. I was very happy. Adam even let me take the credit for this one since he got to take him to the celebration.

Adam got in line 3 hours early because the players were supposed to sign autographs for 30 minutes before the game. We met him there and we all waited and talked with the people around us and made the best of it. It looked like we were sure to get in for the autographs, but then...They started lining up the people with VIP tickets to go in first. There was nothing about this on the game website so I was NOT happy. We were still hoping but we talked to Judah and prepared him that he may not get his jersey autographed. He was sad, but ok. Well, after they let in the VIPs they opened all the general admission gates and people were jumping lines and running and acting crazy. Mercy was scared so Adam took her to sit down and I stood in line with Judah and realized that it really wasn't going to work. We were just too far back in line. Then I heard Adam say "throw me Judah's jersey." I was confused, but I did, and I saw him throw it over the side of the bleachers.

I got out of line and asked what was going on. He said, "Jerry made it through." Jerry was the really nice man standing behind us in line. How he got past us, I don't know. The thing was, I knew Jerry had a ball he wanted signed, and they were only allowing one autograph per person, so I was still sad until...Jerry came to sit down with us and gave Judah his jersey. I didn't see it at first, but when I heard Judah scream I knew what had happened. Jerry, when faced with an unexpected, and last minute decision, chose my son over himself.

What no one knew at that point was that momma had been praying. I knew how much Judah would love to have a Hansbrough autograph. Adam and I had even looked at buying one on-line, but they are so expensive. So since we moved to Raleigh I had been praying a simple prayer, “Lord, it would be really cool if Judah could get that autograph. If you want to do something for me, do this for him.” In that line, I thought the answer to my prayer was no. I was ok, but it was just something I really wanted to do for my baby. And as I stood there fighting tears, Jerry made a choice. I'm sure he thought he was just doing something nice for a kid, but he was really an answer to a prayer.

I'm coming to understand more and more that in our lives it is the little things that matter most. A lot of people say “don't sweat the small stuff,” but I disagree. It is the small stuff that we do, the random acts of kindness that mean the most to others. You would never think that a guy getting Judah's jersey signed would show me how much God loves me, but it did. So the next time you want to show your love, stick with the small stuff. It says the most.

Wait... I think I know what it means to wait. I've waited for appointments at doctors offices, in lines at stores and for the traffic light to change. I've waited for my kids to get ready, for my husband to finish a game, and for the sermon to be over so I can go to lunch. I've waited for a movie to start, for dinner to be done, for bed time to finally get here. I'm familiar with waiting. It seems like I've been waiting all my life. But waiting on the Lord? Now that is a challenge. I thought I knew what it meant to wait on God. You know those awesome times in God's presence that no one knows what to say or do? You just wait for what God is going to do next. But is that really waiting or is that expectancy? What does it mean to wait on the Lord. David talks a lot about waiting for God. It seems like most of the time he said he needed to wait he was facing desperate times. I think I found that place this week.

It has been a hard week. You know the saying “when it rains it pours”? Yeah, it has been one of those weeks. I won't got into all the details, but lets just suffice it to say we have had MAJOR issues to deal with this week and this morning I got to a desperate place. You see I am normally of the mind set “let me throw my fit and then I can deal with this like I should”. You ever been there? You just really need to throw a good old-fashioned conniption fit. (for those of you not from the South that is a really big tantrum). I think that is an ok place to be, and I've done it a lot, but this morning...this morning I couldn't even throw a fit. I had just had to much. I couldn't talk, I couldn't think, I didn't know what to do. And in that moment I knew I had to wait... Not wait for my words to return or even my good sense, but it was time to WAIT on the Lord, so that is what I did. I sat and I waited. Nothing major happened. But slowly I heard Him speaking. I heard Him say that He was with me, and that when things seem to be falling apart...there is purpose in the madness. He didn't solve my problems, but He gave me what I needed to face them. It makes you think...”Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!” (Psalm 27:3) Humm. I think I am beginning to know what that means. I just hope next time I can decide to wait on Him a lot sooner. Why did I wait until I had no other option? Why do I wait for everything else but God? It is a good question. I don't want to know the answer, I want to change the answer. This is what I should do, “My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.” (Psalm 62:5, emphasis added).

I love that verse for many reasons, but I think my favorite is... he is talking to himself! He is telling his own soul to wait, don't react, wait. I love that. If you read the chapter you will find he tells himself to wait more than once. I think that is the boat I am in. I need to just keep telling myself to wait. Wait, wait, and keep waiting...for God alone.

Signs follow where God is working.

A simple statement, but a loaded meaning. It is true? I have always hesitated to put it that simply. We just don't see much in the way of signs and wonders these days. And to be honest when we do, our first instinct is to not believe or make fun. I mean look at the Brownsville Revival that happened in the 90's. God was at work, but those people were criticized and made fun of. So many doubted it was of God...but people were changed and healed, and miracles happened there. Why do we doubt? Why is the church so surprised when God actually does something?

I got an email from a friend this week that I would like to share with you. I heard a rumor about his Sun. night service and asked him about it. This was his response:

“It’s true Misty. I had finished preaching and really didn’t give an alter invitation. The night before I had preached on the official duty of the church to rescue people from behind the gates of hell who were waiting to slip into eternity lost forever. So, the next night I had people doing just that. They were praying for each other…and it was loud and fervent prayer across the sanctuary. Well, one guy comes up to me and throws his cigarettes on the altar. Bear in mind, I didn’t solicit for anyone to come forward, he just did it. He said he led praise and worship somewhere and now God wanted him free. Not 30 seconds later, a teenage girl comes forward and says she’s been doing drugs and she told me that tonight was her night to be free. We prayed and she had her first experience with God right there on the spot. Then someone led me to the side of the church on the front row. There the teenagers mother was sitting crying. She said she wanted to be saved and was involved in the Jehovah’s Witness cult. I started leading her in prayer and asked her to pray after me. “Jesus, you are Lord.” As she started to pray she started hyperventilating. I tried again. She did the same thing. I recognized that this was a demonic spirit, so I told her to be calm and not say a word right now that I would pray for her first. I just said a simple prayer, “Lord fill this room with your total presence and banish any hindering forces from this place.” There was no fighting or foaming at the mouth… She just went limp, laid back, relaxed and could breath. I immediately had her pray after me and she prayed to receive Christ and confess him as Lord. Afterward, I had her lay her hands on her daughter, the teen who wanted to be free from drugs. She did so and pronounced a mothers blessing over her child for the first time ever. That’s when it happened. A woman seated just about in the center of the sanctuary screamed “I can see. I can see.” I walked over to see what was going on and a blind lady who had been attending our church for years was able to see. She followed me around the sanctuary and even gave me her red/white walking cane. She said that she would not be needing this any longer. What’s hilarious is I saw her yesterday morning going into the Ophthalmologists’ office. She walked in just like you or I would walk in. I told Tammie afterward that I bet she is going to get cleared to get her driver’s license.

Misty, these are things we have believed for our whole lives. Yet, we failed to see them because no one really has seen the church be the church in a long long time. Part of my passion is to see the church alive, healthy and doing God’s work in the earth. Signs follow where God is working.”

What is your first reaction to that? Are you cynical? If you are maybe that is the reason we don't see more of this stuff. Do we really believe God? Jesus said in John 14:12 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to my Father.” I have heard people say that this verse refers to us being able to take the gospel everywhere through technology they didn't have then, but...the verse says greater “works.” So what works did Jesus do? He ministered to people, rescued them, delivered them, healed them, changed them. He didn't just pray and walk away without something happening. I think a better way to put it is: He didn't walk away, He prayed and something happened. I wonder if God isn't moving because His people don't believe...and don't pray. I can't remember ever walking up to someone who couldn't walk and telling them to get up, but that is what Jesus did... and his disciples... and Paul. I think the best thing for me to do right now is pray this prayer (Acts 4: 29b-30)


“grant to Your servants that with all boldness they may speak Your word, by stretching out Your hand to heal, and that signs and wonders may be done through the name of Your holy Servant Jesus.”


Let it be so for me, In Jesus Name...
Amen!

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. Honestly I've been feeling very guilty about my relationship with God. I don't pray enough, I don't read my bible enough, I don't spend enough time alone with the Lord. Like I said...very guilty. I see people who say they get up at 5:00 am just to spend time with God, and all I can say is; “Really?! 5 AM!?” Then the guilt comes again. I am NOT a morning person. I know a lot of people say that, but honestly if I get up to early I feel nauseous. I guess a more honest way to say that is if I don't get enough sleep, I feel nauseous. I hear all these people talk about spending hours in the word. I don't have the attention span for that. I go cross-eyed after a while. And as far as being alone with the Lord...I can't even go to the bathroom without someone knocking on the door.

So how does a relationship with God work for me (or you)? That is the question that is on my mind these days.

I started thinking about the relationships I have in my life to get clues. My mom and dad live 1 ½ away. I see them more now than I used to, but I still only talk to them about once every other week or so, and our relationship is fine. I love them they love me, we enjoy each other when we are together. I don't see anything wrong with that, but I do miss them sometimes. My best friend lives in 3 ½ hours away. I only see her once a month or so. Sometimes we talk everyday, and sometimes we go a week or more without talking. But I always want to talk to her. I don't see anything wrong with that either. Coming a little closer home...I LOVE my husband. There are times that we spend hours talking about nothing. There are also times that life is so busy that we barely say “ Good morning, goodbye. I love you, good night” in a day. I really don't like those times. I much prefer the times we spend talking, mostly, sometimes I don't want to talk.

So how does it translate? Here are things I notice...

1.I don't have rules in my closest relationships. I spend time with them when I want to, and because I WANT to...not because I make myself.
2.Sometimes I don't have time or energy for relational things, and everyone understands that.
3.When I don't have the time...I miss those people, and I want to spend more time with them.
4.These people make my life full. They make me laugh and are there for me when I cry. I share my life with them.

What I am learning is that God wants us to be in true relationship with Him. He wants us to share our lives with Him. He wants a relationship that is real. Not one founded on a sense of obligation or rule following, or even commitment, but one founded on desire for fellowship. God wants to be a part of our lives...not as a supervisor whose rules you follow, but as a friend who you include and share with. And He wants us to spend more time with Him, not because we feel guilty, but because we want to.

The funny thing is: the more I learn about Him and His desire for relationship with me, the more I genuinely want to spend more time with Him. And those times that are so busy... I miss Him terribly. I think that is the natural cycle of things. God is pretty smart, you know. He set us up. When we miss Him we want more, when we get more, we want even more. Sometimes we may get to a time that life is busy and we miss Him again...but then we want more.

If getting up at 5am works for you, great! But if it doesn't, don't feel guilty. It is your relationship with God and it is up to you and God to live it out. Just don't allow those times of busy-ness to separate you for too long. Any relationship can grow stagnant with a lack of communication.

This week has been a doozie. We went away for the weekend. Packing for four is never fun. We spent the weekend back in Chesapeake which was a fun, but emotional experience. Adam sprained his foot so I have had to wait on him. I had no help doing anything with the kids because Adam was incapacitated. Judah is home for the next 3 weeks on break so I am trying to find ways to keep him occupied. I then found out that because Adam couldn't drive I had to take him to Fayetteville to catch a ride to a conference he was supposed to go to. I had to rush to get laundry and more packing done so we could make that trip. So, Tuesday night I was laying in bed after midnight trying to do my bible study stuff for my Wed group, and I was tired. I was really enjoying the study material, but I had to put it down. I needed rest.

I turned off the light to go to sleep and that is when it happened. I became completely overwhelmed... not with the pressures of my week, but by God's love. I laid in bed and cried before the Lord thanking Him for his presence, and for being with me as I needed Him. It was an incredible experience. It didn't last long...maybe five minutes, but it renewed me, and I slept in the peace of the Lord and woke in the best mood I had been in...in a while. My bible study girls were probably wondering why I was humming and acting silly. I can honestly say it was that short, but wonderful encounter with God that changed me.

As I look back on that, just a few days later I can't help but wonder what made that night different than so many others. So many nights that I laid in bed exhausted by my circumstances, and it seemed God wasn't there. I know He is always there, but what made Him so real to me Tuesday night?

I really think it was the softness of my heart on that night. I had just re-read The Shack by William P. Young...that softened my heart and then my study material softened it even more. I was in a place where I was quiet enough I could hear His whisper. A lot of times we let our lives just drown out God's voice. We get so exhausted by our circumstances that we are to tired to take the time listen, but He is always there...waiting to renew our strength.

Folks, God is REAL. He isn't just some religious figure head we can cling to. His word is true. It isn't some history book filled with poetry and metaphors. He and His word are so much more. They are real! And they can be real to us in our every day lives. We so often get caught up in the day-to-day and forget to listen. We can get frustrated and even angry with God wondering where He is...but He is there all the time speaking to our hearts. The question is: are our hearts soft enough to listen? Or have they been hardened by life and schedule and exhaustion? The bigger question to me is how do we soften our hearts daily so we can hear Him? I think that is a question we all have to answer for ourselves, and I think the answer changes from time to time. Usually praise and worship music is what gets me to that point, but the other night it was His word. He has many ways to speak...we just have to find one way to listen....

As christians we go through times of struggle and suffering. It is just a fact. A lot of times people ask (myself included) if God is on my side why did “this” happen? Whatever your “this” is I'm sure you feel in some way like you should have been protected from it. But God knows the end of a thing from the beginning. He sees what we can't. The closest I have ever come to making sense of it all is this simple story...

My son was 3. He got strep throat all the time, and he snored...loudly. His pediatrician said he had a child's version of sleep apnea. We went to an ENT and he said Judah's tonsils and adenoids had to come out. So my little boy had surgery and when we were called back to his recovery room I could hear him screaming from down the hall. We I got to his room he was standing on the bed jumping up and down holding his throat and crying his eyes out. I grabbed him and held him and felt awful that he hurt so bad. The worst of it was knowing that I allowed him to go through this pain. I felt so guilty, but I knew that this short time of pain would result in a better life for my baby. Nights of peaceful rest, no more sore throats...a completely different life, because he went through this. You see I could see the end from the beginning and the middle and the end. I got him calmed down and I kept telling him I know it hurts, but it is going to make things so much better.

I think God does that with us. We stand there kicking and screaming saying it hurts...make it STOP! But our loving Father, with the end in sight, says, “I know, but things are going to be so much better, when the pain is over.” But we don't listen often enough and sometimes we just stand there holding on to our pain, wondering why, why, why. I think if we could see past our pain we would see a Father waiting to soothe our wounds and help us through until the end. I was able to help Judah. I calmed him and gave him comfort until the pain was over. And I was there watching as he slept without trouble and went through a winter without strep. The end was here, and if he could remember it all, I think he would be grateful for that short time of pain because it has already made such a difference in his life.

The best thing I can tell you is if you are going through a time of pain, take comfort now in God's love and know that when it is over....

We went to a funeral this weekend. Mr. Barnes was someone I didn't know very well, but I learned a lot about him and a life well spent. This man was a WWII vet. He was in the second wave at Normandy on D-Day. He was a free mason for over 50 years and raised a daughter, that wasn't his, like his own. He was the only man in his grandson's life and had a huge impact on his great-grandson. He lived out in the middle of nowhere, went to a small church and had a small family. He didn't have a huge circle of influence, but his life made a difference...to the world, to our country, and to those that knew him the best.

It started me thinking...what is a life well spent? A lot of times I have delusions of grandeur. I picture myself teaching woman about having a passion for God. I see my husband leading thousands of people into God's presence. On a smaller scale I have the desire to be the cool parent that all my kids' friends love, or to have a reputation that says I hear from God and can pray down heaven. But is all that really necessary to live a well spent life? These things are great and I will welcome them if they come, but what is necessary?

I learned again this week that it isn't the big things we do during our lives but the way we live our lives that make the difference. Was Mr. Barnes biggest influence on the beach among the thousands at Normandy, or was it the days he spent going fishing or throwing the baseball with his family? I bet I know what his great-grandson would say.

It is the small impacts we have on a daily basis that carry the most weight. Those who lead thousands do make a huge impact, but so does the mother that raised them. We seem to see life as a series of events (getting married, having kids, getting a job, getting that promotion) instead of the sum of our daily efforts. But everything we do carries weight and has an impact, and as a stay at home mom I am so grateful that it does. Some days seem mundane, like nothing I do matters. But when I think of a life well spent, investing in my children and those around me seems like a much nobler pursuit than achieving any kind of fame or status.

Aspirations are not bad, and it is great to have goals and to work toward something, but lets not forget that every day matters. And that a life lived in obedience to God is a life well spent, no matter how small it seems.


In Honor and Memory of Jasper L. Barnes 1916-2009

A lot of my blog posts are things that weigh on my mind so I thought this would be a good way to lighten things up. So on Fun Friday posts you can expect yummy recipes (not for your diet) crafts or other things I think you guys might enjoy. This fun Friday you get my super yummy peanut butter pie recipe....


Misty's Peanut Butter Pie

Ingredients:

1 graham cracker crust
¾ cup creamy peanut butter
1 cup powdered sugar
4 oz cream cheese (I use the reduced fat)
1 small tub cool whip
3 Tbls milk
2/3 cup mini chocolate chips
¾ cup nutella


mix peanut butter, cream cheese & sugar
Stir in cool whip and chips
set aside
slightly warm nutella in the microwave (10-15 sec.)
using a brush spread most of it on the bottom and sides of the crust (reserve 2-3 Tbls)
spread filling into crust (you will probably have a little too much)
spoon remaining nutella on top
spread and swirl over the top of the pie
chill for at least two hours

This super easy desert is a family favorite. I mean, who doesn't love peanut butter and chocolate?

Hope you try this and enjoy!!! :)

Our recent move was full of stress, as all moves are. My biggest hope was that the kids would adjust quickly. My little girl did. We have neighbors with girls her age and they became fast friends. Things weren't so easy for my son. He is a very outgoing boy and can play with just about anyone, but making an actual friend wasn't coming easy. I felt bad for him. He seemed bored and lonely, and even angry that Mercy had friends right next door. My heart was heavy and my most frequent prayer was that he would find a good friend.

Last week magic happened. Judah was playing basketball in the front yard and this boy came walking up, wanting to play. He is from two doors down and I'm not sure how we didn't meet before, but they hit it off. This was the moment I had been waiting for. They've played together almost every day since then. The funny thing is, now that things are right for Judah, things are right for me. I didn't realize how much of a burden his lonely-ness was to me until he made a friend and the burden was gone. I felt like everything became right in my world.

Because I love him I carried his burden. His sadness was my sadness, and his lack was my distress. My heart ached with the desire to make it better for him. I wished he didn't have to be affected by it at all. I wanted to take it the pain on myself.

If I feel this way about my son, how much more does Jesus feel this way about us? Matthew 11: 28 (NLT) says “ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”and 1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified Bible) says, “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns], [once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.”

So what exactly does this mean for us? It means that the same compassion I had for Judah, Jesus has for us. And the intense desire I had to take away Judah's pain and carry it all myself, Jesus has that for us, too. The difference is Jesus can do what I could not. He really can take it away. He really can give us what we seek. Try as I might I could not be the friend Judah needed, and I couldn't make him feel better until he made that friend. It was a burden he had to bear. But it doesn't have to be that way for us, because God can do it! He can solve our problems, grant us peace, give us healing, or what ever else it is we need. Or He can take away the burden of our need until it is His timing to provide. The only catch? We have to let him. The bible says we have to cast the “whole of our care, once and for all on Him.”

Is it hard to leave our burdens at his feet? You better believe it. But the fact is, the longer we carry the burden, the more likely we are to try and fix it ourselves. And we all know how that turns out.......

Disclaimer: I looked up 1 statistic...the rest is my opinion...

I was watching part of The View this morning and they had all this stuff about match making and Valentine's Day and it got me thinking...a dangerous thing.

We have all heard the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but listen to this statistic I got off of divorcerate.org, "50% of first marriages, 67% of second, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, in Springfield, Missouri."

So let's break this thing down. It seems to me that the people who go in believing they have an out are the people who get divorced. It would explain why the 2nd and 3rd rates go up. They go in to marriage believing the "happily ever after" fairy tale and when that doesn't happen they take their planned escape and try again with someone else...and then again. You want to not only save your marriage but have a great one here's what you should do, say these words with me:

Divorce is not an option!!!!

Now, there are extenuating circumstances to this rule. I'm talking to the people with your average marriage. The people who may one day say they want a divorce because they just don't love each other anymore. I can just say this: THAT IS A LOAD OF BULL POOPIE! That is no reason to give up on a commitment you made to stay with this person "till death do you part". Adam and I wrote our own vows, but that was one phrase I made sure to include...'till death parts us...no other options!

The thing we miss so often in our feel good, pro-choice culture is that marriage is a choice, divorce is a choice, and yes to love, to continue to love is a choice. Yes love is an emotion, and like all emotions it can come and go. You have to choose to pro-actively love. It is not a choice that is easy to make at times. We have to push through hurt feelings or complacency. We have to love our spouse (here's the kicker) in a way that makes them feel loved, not the way that is easiest for us. We have to invest time and effort into our marriages. You know what makes you want to do that more than anything else...the knowledge that this is the only marriage you have and if you don't invest in it you'll live in misery. It is the plain and simple truth. If you have no other options you make it work. You choose to love, then your spouse chooses to love, then that old emotion returns with greater force because it is backed by a "no matter what" commitment.

Here's the deal: every marriage goes through tough times. Times when it really would be easier to give up, but is that the choice you want to make? Do you really want to be a quitter?



My favorite marriage book: The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman
Disclaimer #2: I am NOT "pro-choice", I AM pro-life...just wanted to make that clear. ;)

An odd expression, right? What does it even mean? Well, this the way I view my life. It's seems like having always been trying to find my way while my life twisted and turned around me. Many times I felt like the road just stopped and I had no where to turn.

I grew up the younger daughter of an alcoholic (my mom) and a drug addict (my dad). Now, before you start conjuring images of Law & Order nightmares, let me assure you it wasn't as bad as that. Let's just say there was a certain amount of instability and uncertainty growing up. I never seemed to quite get my footing before things would change. I was never sure if I would come home to find my mother cooking dinner, or mixing left over soup into a bowl of frosting because she forgot she was making a cake. Would Daddy be that fun loving man whose eyes would light up when I came outside to see him or would he be the man that hid in his tool shed, thinking he was hiding what he was doing from the world? With things never the same and ever changing I often felt aimless and alone, like my existence was unimportant.

When I was 6 I starting attending church with my aunt and I latched onto God with a fierce grip. Church was my place of peace and consistency. People were always the same there. I had found a place of comfort in the twists and turns of life. I treasured God and when He answered my prayers for my parents salvation I thought all would be well. I thought the path of my life would run straight into forever, no more searching...twisting... turning. Instead I found myself in my teenage years questioning everything and feeling more uncertain than ever. My dad struggled for many years after he gave his life to the Lord. Today, I do believe he was trying, but at that age all I could see was hypocrisy. I began to ask myself, “what is this faith that can't even sustain my dad...maybe I have been wrong all along.” I then began my own life of hypocrisy. In searching for who I was I loosened my grip on who God is. On occasions that I should have stood for Him I didn't. I did things I regret. At times I could feel walls of despair try to cave in over me, but God never allowed it. All long those paths lined with thorns and thistles, paths I choose, God was there. He always spoke peace and comfort to my heart and, even in those dark hours when I chose something over Him, He was there, not in anger, but in love.

Oddly enough it was in those hours that I learned the joy of serving my Lord. I didn't have to search in the dark and try to find my way. He was there, guiding, leading, loving, gently nudging me closer to the path He had for me. The Bible says that His word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path, (Ps. 119:105) and that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord (Ps 37:23). So in those dark hours I learned to find my way, not on my own, but by letting Him show me.

These are not all the twists and turns of my life. I have and will experience many more, and although I follow the path God has for me, it stills seems as though I walk through a maze. I am still searching, twisting, and turning...sometimes down an old path again, sometimes on new paths I have never seen before, but all the while God is with me. I can lean on Him and follow Him without having to find my own way. It isn't always easy, but I can take His joy as my strength and not only trudge through this life- but I can lay aside every weight and run. I can even dance through the maze...