An odd expression, right? What does it even mean? Well, this the way I view my life. It's seems like having always been trying to find my way while my life twisted and turned around me. Many times I felt like the road just stopped and I had no where to turn.
I grew up the younger daughter of an alcoholic (my mom) and a drug addict (my dad). Now, before you start conjuring images of Law & Order nightmares, let me assure you it wasn't as bad as that. Let's just say there was a certain amount of instability and uncertainty growing up. I never seemed to quite get my footing before things would change. I was never sure if I would come home to find my mother cooking dinner, or mixing left over soup into a bowl of frosting because she forgot she was making a cake. Would Daddy be that fun loving man whose eyes would light up when I came outside to see him or would he be the man that hid in his tool shed, thinking he was hiding what he was doing from the world? With things never the same and ever changing I often felt aimless and alone, like my existence was unimportant.
When I was 6 I starting attending church with my aunt and I latched onto God with a fierce grip. Church was my place of peace and consistency. People were always the same there. I had found a place of comfort in the twists and turns of life. I treasured God and when He answered my prayers for my parents salvation I thought all would be well. I thought the path of my life would run straight into forever, no more searching...twisting... turning. Instead I found myself in my teenage years questioning everything and feeling more uncertain than ever. My dad struggled for many years after he gave his life to the Lord. Today, I do believe he was trying, but at that age all I could see was hypocrisy. I began to ask myself, “what is this faith that can't even sustain my dad...maybe I have been wrong all along.” I then began my own life of hypocrisy. In searching for who I was I loosened my grip on who God is. On occasions that I should have stood for Him I didn't. I did things I regret. At times I could feel walls of despair try to cave in over me, but God never allowed it. All long those paths lined with thorns and thistles, paths I choose, God was there. He always spoke peace and comfort to my heart and, even in those dark hours when I chose something over Him, He was there, not in anger, but in love.
Oddly enough it was in those hours that I learned the joy of serving my Lord. I didn't have to search in the dark and try to find my way. He was there, guiding, leading, loving, gently nudging me closer to the path He had for me. The Bible says that His word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path, (Ps. 119:105) and that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord (Ps 37:23). So in those dark hours I learned to find my way, not on my own, but by letting Him show me.
These are not all the twists and turns of my life. I have and will experience many more, and although I follow the path God has for me, it stills seems as though I walk through a maze. I am still searching, twisting, and turning...sometimes down an old path again, sometimes on new paths I have never seen before, but all the while God is with me. I can lean on Him and follow Him without having to find my own way. It isn't always easy, but I can take His joy as my strength and not only trudge through this life- but I can lay aside every weight and run. I can even dance through the maze...
I grew up the younger daughter of an alcoholic (my mom) and a drug addict (my dad). Now, before you start conjuring images of Law & Order nightmares, let me assure you it wasn't as bad as that. Let's just say there was a certain amount of instability and uncertainty growing up. I never seemed to quite get my footing before things would change. I was never sure if I would come home to find my mother cooking dinner, or mixing left over soup into a bowl of frosting because she forgot she was making a cake. Would Daddy be that fun loving man whose eyes would light up when I came outside to see him or would he be the man that hid in his tool shed, thinking he was hiding what he was doing from the world? With things never the same and ever changing I often felt aimless and alone, like my existence was unimportant.
When I was 6 I starting attending church with my aunt and I latched onto God with a fierce grip. Church was my place of peace and consistency. People were always the same there. I had found a place of comfort in the twists and turns of life. I treasured God and when He answered my prayers for my parents salvation I thought all would be well. I thought the path of my life would run straight into forever, no more searching...twisting... turning. Instead I found myself in my teenage years questioning everything and feeling more uncertain than ever. My dad struggled for many years after he gave his life to the Lord. Today, I do believe he was trying, but at that age all I could see was hypocrisy. I began to ask myself, “what is this faith that can't even sustain my dad...maybe I have been wrong all along.” I then began my own life of hypocrisy. In searching for who I was I loosened my grip on who God is. On occasions that I should have stood for Him I didn't. I did things I regret. At times I could feel walls of despair try to cave in over me, but God never allowed it. All long those paths lined with thorns and thistles, paths I choose, God was there. He always spoke peace and comfort to my heart and, even in those dark hours when I chose something over Him, He was there, not in anger, but in love.
Oddly enough it was in those hours that I learned the joy of serving my Lord. I didn't have to search in the dark and try to find my way. He was there, guiding, leading, loving, gently nudging me closer to the path He had for me. The Bible says that His word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path, (Ps. 119:105) and that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord (Ps 37:23). So in those dark hours I learned to find my way, not on my own, but by letting Him show me.
These are not all the twists and turns of my life. I have and will experience many more, and although I follow the path God has for me, it stills seems as though I walk through a maze. I am still searching, twisting, and turning...sometimes down an old path again, sometimes on new paths I have never seen before, but all the while God is with me. I can lean on Him and follow Him without having to find my own way. It isn't always easy, but I can take His joy as my strength and not only trudge through this life- but I can lay aside every weight and run. I can even dance through the maze...
February 11, 2009 at 12:57 PM
Love It.
Michael Craig
February 11, 2009 at 3:18 PM
Looking forward to another blog to follow :) I like the vines and stuff on the page
February 11, 2009 at 4:27 PM
awesome. thanks for sharing. :)
February 11, 2009 at 4:50 PM
Looking forward to reading more from you Misty. You have a way about writing that draws from your heart. I love that.
February 12, 2009 at 7:11 AM
Now that I'm done weeping...can I just say that I am thankful to be dancing through this life with you? Romans 15:13 (NLT) prays that "...God, the source of hope, will fill you completely because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Keep overflowing, girl...can't wait until the next blog...love you and miss you!